I used to think I had my whole life figured out. I thought I knew everything there was to know about myself. What I liked, what I didn't like, and who I wanted to be... but I am realizing that I really don't know that much about myself.. well, myself at the moment, but not much about my 'future' self. I've always wanted to do business since I was a kid. My chosen major in college would have been business, without a doubt. But 'Business' is such a broad term... I guess as a kid, we associate certain words with our own imagery of it and don't realize how much there really is to it.
Lawyer: sit in a court room all and day argue
Doctor: help sick people
Psychiatrist: talk to people and help them with their problems
Business person: Make important phone calls, buy and sell stuff and make alot of money
Come to find later... 'I want to be a Lawyer/Doctor/CPA/Vet/Fireman, etc' is not so easy. For 2 of the most sought after professions...
Lawyer: There is a TON of a paperwork to do before a case will even get to court (if ever). And before you even get to any 'real' paperwork as a lawyer, you have to go to school. Go through 4 years of school then another 3... pass LSATS and if you want to do, prepare for an insane amount of reading throughout law school, then when you finally pass your law exam and officially become a 'lawyer' you mostly sit around reading pages and pages of official documents looking for hours to catch a single word that is incorrect while you wait around and send those corrections back and forth before you ever do anything 'fun' like going to court and fighting for a guy who you know is guilty... but not before reading MORE about the topic of your case, hoping to find a loophole.
Doctors: Go through even MORE school and spend their days dealing with grumpy/crazy sick people all day long and catch every cold going around, every year.
I have been searching and questioning my choice in business for a while (or just exploring my options before it's too late) and lucky for me, my crazy years did help me cross paths with awesome individuals whom I get a lot of advice and insight on on their various specialties. Almost every single lawyer or doctor I know recommends - quite adamantly - NOT to get into their line of work. Though, their suggestions may be based according to my outgoing personality and not for everyone. There are a few lawyers and doctors out there who truly like helping people, but as one said 'There are other ways to help people'. So... I guess after alot of question asking and wondering what daily life is like for _______, I can once again be comfortable with my original choice of business. For a while, I was considering Law because - like my exboyfriend likes to point out - I am really good at arguing.... but the thought of sitting around doing tons of boring reading all day long (the part you don't realize before college of what being a 'lawyer' really is) really turns me off and is definitely not suited for my personality. I like to help people but being a doctor is not for me... the thought of poking someone with a needle or dealing with flesh and blood is horrifying to me. (Yesterday, I had to take dk to the ER and just WATCHING him get poked by needles and getting spinal fluid removed made me uneasy) so I will break my family line of doctors and pursue something else.. I seriously considered becoming a psychiatrist but after talking to one of my most beloved doctors, his suggestion being: 'You don't want to be around losers all day... well I shouldn't say losers... but you don't want to be around those kind of people all day' he is right, though I like to help people psychoanalyze themselves, doing it because i HAVE to really is not appealing either. Nor do I want to spend the next 4-8 years of my life studying biological terms and learning the name of every uh, micro organ.
So I am left once again, with business. However... there are SO many different things you can do with business and I realize I really don't know EXACTLY what I want to do. I love buying and selling for a profit... I love dealing with people for sales... and I like creating an image and marketing and advertising. I'd love to have my own big business... but in what field? I now know that 'I want to do Business' is not a complete sentence and therefore, I do not know everything about what 'I want'. I figured out the first part since I was born... but now I am seeking to fill the blanks to the more specific part 'I want to do Business doing ____________'. I like to be very thoughal when doing research on... anything I'm interested really but given such a broad category, this makes it hard. 'Business' ranges anywhere from a salesman trying to push his product and find new customers to make a small profit to a CEO of a fortune 500 company to the owner of a ma and pa grocery store to the marketing geniuses behind Disney to the advertising trend setters in New York to some stay at home mom doing e-commerce to.... SO many things... how will I ever come across EVERYTHING before finally settling with one?
When we did our research for teeth whitening or when I look to make an expensive purchase to when I pick a new boyfriend... I like to know ALL my options and educate myself before coming to a conclusion.. this seems like an impossible but important task in deciding one of the most important decisions of my life: 'What am I going to do with my life?'.
I know that life can't be planned out before it happens but I guess I just like to KNOW something... anything.. Sure, the unexpected makes things fun and knowing everything would be boring.... but... I guess basically what I'm saying is that, like how I am with other things, I like to know the task at hand with enough knowledge and confidence to charge, full steam ahead. Right now, I have so much motivation and drive to get where I want to be but I barely know what direction I am headed. I don't want to know my entire life story... just want to figure out the general idea that will make me feel the most self fulfilled. When I know what I have to get done, I do things fast and accomplish the best and as soon as possible... so it brings me great distress to WANT and KNOW that I much reach this end one day... but yet have no where to begin yet. I am not a jealous person and have never really been envious of anyone up until now... and maybe I still don't, I guess a better word would be that I admire people who 'have got it figured out'. Have got their life figured out... That know what they want to do, are doing it and are happy and content. Not the temporal happiness and figured-outness that even I have experienced... the long lasting peaceful knowing that one can hope will come with age and wisdom. Unfortunately, most people do not have this, have no idea how to obtain it and should they be so lucky to encounter a glimpse of it, have a hard time holding on to it.
It is hard because each person is different. Unlike what they tell you in sales or life tips... you cannot simply 'act as if' or 'fake it til you make it' with this one. You cannot find a mentor and follow and do everything that he says or does himself. Because what may make one content and happy.. will not make you happy. You have to find you're own channel for this and though you can get advice and general theories along the way... Direct your own movie.. Such an important thing yet there is really not much information on how to obtain this for yourself... instead people chase unrealistic dreams of wealthy and beauty and fame in the pursuit of happiness... but one can never have ALL the W/B/F in the world... so these unlimited human wants can never be fully obtained and therefore, when you blindly chase after them, it is like trying to get to the end of a rainbow. You can't have it all and if that is your only wish, you'll never be content and therefore, never happy. Luckily, sometimes, along the way you really DO find true happiness but the path is hidden and you may miss it completely, stumble upon it entirely by accident or eventually find it because you got a little tip that it exists somewhere out there.
I have taken a step in limiting my online usage by deleting my facebook and reducing myspace use, I have never watched much TV and am now even trying to listen to less mainstream music and if anything, more classical. Drama on TV, drama on social networks and crap in music are like 'fillers' for your brain... they just take up space and occupy your brainpower so you are stuck at that level. It really does nothing for you and most of the time spent on them is a waste of time. Media shows you want it wants you to see and you become blinded and don't realize how much there really is out there... what the rest of your 'options' are. Oprah does not even listen to music as she is driving. I am not to that point yet because I still enjoy some non-classical music but I can see how when your brain is bombarded with all this other 'filler-crap' you cannot contemplate your life and find ways to improve it. Actually, I think most people do not WANT to listen to the thoughts in their head and think about their life because they really don't LIKE their life and where they are at.... so they watch more tv and listen to more music and go on myspace to distract them from what is really going on.... and therefor making their life even more stuck and watching more tv. What a cycle... brainless, sad cycle. For me, I don't like to run away from problems, I like to solve them. So... instead of running away from my problems, I have chosen to deal with them and that is why my life has gotten so much better in the last 6 months. I have grown as a person and am no longer 'lost'.... clubbing every day and trying to find something newer and more exciting to do with my time. I am actually content at home and not bored. Though I may not know that exact specific person I am trying to become, I do feel content knowing that I am now, at least in the right general direction and I know I am doing all that I can to eventually obtain it.
On another completely different and not-deep note, it is now the 2nd time someone mentioned to me that my place has bad fung shui and I am becoming more and more convinced that they are right... things have gone good but not great like they usually do... I have incredible luck and usually attract all that I ask for usually but this has not been the case since I moved here... as I told one friend: 'I lost that 'thing''!
On the agenda: muster up as much of that remaining luck that I have left and attract an awesome place with a good location and bigger bathroom conveniently so that my luck will come back and life will be a breeze again ;) I am still not entirely convinced I believe in fung shui and the rest of that voodoo stuff but idk... I do believe in 'the secret'....to a certain extent... because I've been using it even before I read about it on paper/watched the video. Ahh well. Bed time for me :)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Stuff
I always find it amusing when people go out of their way to take me to a restaurant overlooking the ocean.... LA's muggy, gray, algae filled "beach". Lol. Yet, in Hawaii, I don't think I've ever been taken to a ocean-overlooking restaurant... The only time I can recall, I went with a girl. We take the ocean for granted I guess. (I will make up for it when I come home, though I hear it's pouring like crazy..)
Yesterday, the last day of school, both my econ professor and one of the guys in the class asked me out.. Both asked if I like Italian food. Maybe I should suggest we be "economical" and have dinner together, the three of us. ;)
I found out an activity that brings me much joy: Throwing away my notes and everything related to my classes the moment I walk out of finals. LOL. "Yes!! It's over!"
So I took the high route: Yesterday, I read 3 books, watched 1 1/2 movies and looked through a cook book and made up my own recipe too. Okay, so I didn't finish all the books but I read a good part of it. My roommate thought I was crazy. "You just finished finals and your READING??"
I've figured out the pattern of social interaction during my school semesters. It takes about 1 to two months before anyone musters up the courage to talk to me. A few weeks more before we see each other out of class, almost always to study, and only by the last day of school do they ever ask me to go out and something with them. Usually it's "to celebrate". haha.
Yesterday, the last day of school, both my econ professor and one of the guys in the class asked me out.. Both asked if I like Italian food. Maybe I should suggest we be "economical" and have dinner together, the three of us. ;)
I found out an activity that brings me much joy: Throwing away my notes and everything related to my classes the moment I walk out of finals. LOL. "Yes!! It's over!"
So I took the high route: Yesterday, I read 3 books, watched 1 1/2 movies and looked through a cook book and made up my own recipe too. Okay, so I didn't finish all the books but I read a good part of it. My roommate thought I was crazy. "You just finished finals and your READING??"
I've figured out the pattern of social interaction during my school semesters. It takes about 1 to two months before anyone musters up the courage to talk to me. A few weeks more before we see each other out of class, almost always to study, and only by the last day of school do they ever ask me to go out and something with them. Usually it's "to celebrate". haha.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
asdf
You're kidding me.... I just wrote a bunch of stuff and myspace deleted it... grrr... Tom!!! haha
I realize I'm going to have TWO whole months of nothing to do during winter break...
I've decided I have two paths from opposite sides of the spectrum to choose from:
1. expand my knowledge and READ the entire time... esp on my newfound interest in philosophy and political science... My poliphilosophy teacher will be emailing me some book recommendations and I think I will re-read the entire "introduction to political science" book since the first time around I didn't really pay attention... also off the internet I found "The Fourth Turning" by WIlliam Strauss and Neil Howe which sounds very interesting... I can also finish reading Art of Seduction and listening to 48 Laws of Power..
OOooooorrr
2. I can educate myself on um, modern culture and watch all seasons of Sex and the City and Desperate Housewifes, both of which I have never watched because I haven't watched TV in um, going on 10 years.. The Apprentice also looks like a good show..
lol. One is so dull in the lack of excitement sense... well I suppose the other is as well, the other is just brain numbing. I will probably go with the former.
My grandma is also coming to Hawaii for the first time in January... so I will take her and grandpa out and show them a good time in "paradise" :) They are pretty miserable in Philadelphia right now.. It's a good excuse for me to do all that Hawaii-ish stuff that I never got around to doing before.. I ESP want to visit/take them to Valley of the Temples. :)
Since I can drive now and I'll have a car there... It'll be good =P
I realize I'm going to have TWO whole months of nothing to do during winter break...
I've decided I have two paths from opposite sides of the spectrum to choose from:
1. expand my knowledge and READ the entire time... esp on my newfound interest in philosophy and political science... My poliphilosophy teacher will be emailing me some book recommendations and I think I will re-read the entire "introduction to political science" book since the first time around I didn't really pay attention... also off the internet I found "The Fourth Turning" by WIlliam Strauss and Neil Howe which sounds very interesting... I can also finish reading Art of Seduction and listening to 48 Laws of Power..
OOooooorrr
2. I can educate myself on um, modern culture and watch all seasons of Sex and the City and Desperate Housewifes, both of which I have never watched because I haven't watched TV in um, going on 10 years.. The Apprentice also looks like a good show..
lol. One is so dull in the lack of excitement sense... well I suppose the other is as well, the other is just brain numbing. I will probably go with the former.
My grandma is also coming to Hawaii for the first time in January... so I will take her and grandpa out and show them a good time in "paradise" :) They are pretty miserable in Philadelphia right now.. It's a good excuse for me to do all that Hawaii-ish stuff that I never got around to doing before.. I ESP want to visit/take them to Valley of the Temples. :)
Since I can drive now and I'll have a car there... It'll be good =P
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Naked
So... one thing I miss about "home" is probably the weirdest thing. I miss being able to walk around my house naked. haha.
Usually, at my two "homes" in hawaii, I do whatever I please wearing whatever I want. And if it's at a girlfriends house... we're also pretty careless. But here... I can't even be naked in my room most of the time cause you can clearly see in my window from the street or from the neighbors houses. I can't even walk around in panties! I miss sleeping in panties.
Actually, once I was sitting in my livingroom with boyshorts on... then my roommate came home along with a guy friend. LOL I had to run to my room.
Blaah.. I can't wait until I live with a good friend or a boyfriend. lol..then I will have "freedom"
=P
Usually, at my two "homes" in hawaii, I do whatever I please wearing whatever I want. And if it's at a girlfriends house... we're also pretty careless. But here... I can't even be naked in my room most of the time cause you can clearly see in my window from the street or from the neighbors houses. I can't even walk around in panties! I miss sleeping in panties.
Actually, once I was sitting in my livingroom with boyshorts on... then my roommate came home along with a guy friend. LOL I had to run to my room.
Blaah.. I can't wait until I live with a good friend or a boyfriend. lol..then I will have "freedom"
=P
Friday, December 5, 2008
Wisdom... or something like it
I have been playing psychiatrist/advice-giver to more and more people lately... I figure I'd share some of my uh, 20 year old wisdom, to more than one person since most of these problems apply to more than one person. (tho prob not the friends have on this account lol)
BTW I know my IM makes it hard to follow... but you guys are smart... you'll figure it out eventually haha
can i ask you a complicated personal question? Mr Package138 @ 12:38
sure Cathy @ 12:38
i have a moral delima Mr Package138 @ 12:38
oh god anohte rone? Cathy @ 12:39
girls like me and want to bang me right... Mr Package138 @ 12:39
LOL Cathy @ 12:39
if you say so... 12:39
*rolls eyes* 12:39
12:39
go on.. 12:39
you make me laugh Mr Package138 @ 12:39
alright 12:39
but I don't really enjoy intercourse until i get to know a girl 12:40
and after we get close she usually wants to date me 12:40
but i dont want to be in a monogomus relationship yet 12:40
why are you worried about this during finals Cathy @ 12:40
lol 12:40
thats the LAST thing u should be thinking about 12:40
because I have hormones Mr Package138 @ 12:41
its annoying 12:41
usually, Cathy @ 12:41
im either going to wack it, be monogomus with some girl I dont want to settle for, or lie and be a player Mr Package138 @ 12:41
when u make it clear you don't want to be tied down Cathy @ 12:41
girls will want u even more 12:41
so i dont see a problem 12:41
make her work for it 12:41
tie a doggy bone in front of the dog 12:41
with no promise she'lll ever get it 12:42
12:42
everyone keeps telling me to do that Mr Package138 @ 12:42
well, if ur having aproblem doing it Cathy @ 12:42
then ur not a good enough player 12:42
i have to get rid of my morality to satisfy my body or masterbate Mr Package138 @ 12:43
and if you can't get her to stay around if u dont date her Cathy @ 12:43
then she doesn't like you as much as you think she does 12:43
simple as that 12:43
intresting Mr Package138 @ 12:43
you dont have to compromise your morality Cathy @ 12:43
by making it clear you two are not dating 12:43
then u are neither lying 12:43
nor having to only masturbate 12:43
duhhhh 12:43
12:43
i agree with you, but she begs for me to be monogomus and says it will hurt her so much if she is with me and I am not Mr Package138 @ 12:44
i feel responsible 12:44
players do not get emotionally involved Cathy @ 12:44
make her see that relationship is a reward 12:44
and she has done nothign to be deserving of that reward yet 12:44
therefore why should you give it to her unless she works hard for it (by being a good girl) 12:45
she shouldn't feel hurt for soemthign she hasn't earned yet 12:45
thats just silly 12:45
my heart is to big for that game Mr Package138 @ 12:45
i will get attached to her 12:45
well then, your heart should be too big to compromise your morals Cathy @ 12:45
so forget it 12:46
duh 12:46
your either lying about your "heart being too big" cause if it was u'd be content with jacking off 12:46
i hate it Mr Package138 @ 12:46
its degrading 12:46
well then, don't do it Cathy @ 12:46
i think i have some problem Mr Package138 @ 12:46
you obviously WANT to. you just don't like the consequences Cathy @ 12:46
don't worry, after the first couple times, you'll have no remorse 12:47
its the path you choose 12:47
lol Mr Package138 @ 12:47
your like the dark side 12:47
no im not Cathy @ 12:47
i did not say i advocate these techniques 12:47
i am simply laying out your options for you 12:47
and not letting you make excuses 12:47
you know what you WANT to do... 12:47
you are just afraid of the guilt or moral consequences of it or what people will think 12:48
but u must learn, no one will give a shit 12:48
and you are the only one who must live with your decisions 12:48
so.. if u think what your doing is wrong but u wanna do it anyway 12:48
just do it and don't tell anyone 12:48
problem solved. 12:48
its only wrong because i feel responsible for that girls actions Mr Package138 @ 12:49
she is fully aware of what she is doing 12:49
shes a big girl Cathy @ 12:49
exactly 12:49
if she is aware 12:49
you have no responsibility 12:49
but if she acts like a good girl, I am afraid I will get attached Mr Package138 @ 12:49
if anything, you can claim she forced you to Cathy @ 12:49
well then, you're weak 12:49
i am Mr Package138 @ 12:49
well, i can't help you with that Cathy @ 12:49
maybe you should figure out the real reason why you don't want to settle down 12:50
since the way you explain it sounds like you like to settle down but are afraid of the consequeneces of that 12:50
im fucked up because of my past relationship... 4 years of my life wasted with a girl I fell for because she was a "good girl" Mr Package138 @ 12:51
maybe it seems like u just moved here, there are so many fish in the sea.. u dont want to settle for one jus tyet Cathy @ 12:51
thats exactly it Mr Package138 @ 12:51
but... remember, that if you find the right girl Cathy @ 12:51
and u lose her cacuse of that 12:51
u lose her for good probably 12:51
the rest of the fish aren't hat great anyway 12:51
but i guess if u haven't experienced it yet, you need to otherwise you'll aways think about it 12:51
get it out of your system 12:52
then go settle down 12:52
the sow my oats theroy Mr Package138 @ 12:52
you'll find, it's not that great anyway Cathy @ 12:52
maybe I will go see a swrink Mr Package138 @ 12:52
your fine Cathy @ 12:53
everyone goes thru this 12:53
you just have more choices now than u did in texas 12:53
so all the choices are both temping and confusing 12:53
you'll sort through them eventually 12:53
just takes time and experience 12:53
where the hell do you get this shit from, are you like reading out of a book or what Mr Package138 @ 12:54
i have had both time and experience Cathy @ 12:54
ive been thru alot of shit 12:54
and yet your younger than me Mr Package138 @ 12:54
i started early Cathy @ 12:54
i guess so Mr Package138 @ 12:54
and i learn quick Cathy @ 12:54
hehe 12:54
im glad your my friend Mr Package138 @ 12:54
im going to bed now 12:55
night Cathy @ 12:55
goodnight
I know... everytime I give advice like this, it will never be done.. cause people are curious... if only we could completely satisfy curiosity by learning from others. We would learn so much faster =) but I guess somethings.. just have to be "gone through" ...
I wonder which regret is greater... regret losing "the one" or regret never trying out all the fish of the sea.... I can't answer this one cause I have never found (therefore never loss) "the one". Lucky for me, I tried out the fish and if "the one" comes along, I don't have to wonder "what else is out there". I'll know what I want when I find it =)
BTW I know my IM makes it hard to follow... but you guys are smart... you'll figure it out eventually haha
can i ask you a complicated personal question? Mr Package138 @ 12:38
sure Cathy @ 12:38
i have a moral delima Mr Package138 @ 12:38
oh god anohte rone? Cathy @ 12:39
girls like me and want to bang me right... Mr Package138 @ 12:39
LOL Cathy @ 12:39
if you say so... 12:39
*rolls eyes* 12:39
12:39
go on.. 12:39
you make me laugh Mr Package138 @ 12:39
alright 12:39
but I don't really enjoy intercourse until i get to know a girl 12:40
and after we get close she usually wants to date me 12:40
but i dont want to be in a monogomus relationship yet 12:40
why are you worried about this during finals Cathy @ 12:40
lol 12:40
thats the LAST thing u should be thinking about 12:40
because I have hormones Mr Package138 @ 12:41
its annoying 12:41
usually, Cathy @ 12:41
im either going to wack it, be monogomus with some girl I dont want to settle for, or lie and be a player Mr Package138 @ 12:41
when u make it clear you don't want to be tied down Cathy @ 12:41
girls will want u even more 12:41
so i dont see a problem 12:41
make her work for it 12:41
tie a doggy bone in front of the dog 12:41
with no promise she'lll ever get it 12:42
12:42
everyone keeps telling me to do that Mr Package138 @ 12:42
well, if ur having aproblem doing it Cathy @ 12:42
then ur not a good enough player 12:42
i have to get rid of my morality to satisfy my body or masterbate Mr Package138 @ 12:43
and if you can't get her to stay around if u dont date her Cathy @ 12:43
then she doesn't like you as much as you think she does 12:43
simple as that 12:43
intresting Mr Package138 @ 12:43
you dont have to compromise your morality Cathy @ 12:43
by making it clear you two are not dating 12:43
then u are neither lying 12:43
nor having to only masturbate 12:43
duhhhh 12:43
12:43
i agree with you, but she begs for me to be monogomus and says it will hurt her so much if she is with me and I am not Mr Package138 @ 12:44
i feel responsible 12:44
players do not get emotionally involved Cathy @ 12:44
make her see that relationship is a reward 12:44
and she has done nothign to be deserving of that reward yet 12:44
therefore why should you give it to her unless she works hard for it (by being a good girl) 12:45
she shouldn't feel hurt for soemthign she hasn't earned yet 12:45
thats just silly 12:45
my heart is to big for that game Mr Package138 @ 12:45
i will get attached to her 12:45
well then, your heart should be too big to compromise your morals Cathy @ 12:45
so forget it 12:46
duh 12:46
your either lying about your "heart being too big" cause if it was u'd be content with jacking off 12:46
i hate it Mr Package138 @ 12:46
its degrading 12:46
well then, don't do it Cathy @ 12:46
i think i have some problem Mr Package138 @ 12:46
you obviously WANT to. you just don't like the consequences Cathy @ 12:46
don't worry, after the first couple times, you'll have no remorse 12:47
its the path you choose 12:47
lol Mr Package138 @ 12:47
your like the dark side 12:47
no im not Cathy @ 12:47
i did not say i advocate these techniques 12:47
i am simply laying out your options for you 12:47
and not letting you make excuses 12:47
you know what you WANT to do... 12:47
you are just afraid of the guilt or moral consequences of it or what people will think 12:48
but u must learn, no one will give a shit 12:48
and you are the only one who must live with your decisions 12:48
so.. if u think what your doing is wrong but u wanna do it anyway 12:48
just do it and don't tell anyone 12:48
problem solved. 12:48
its only wrong because i feel responsible for that girls actions Mr Package138 @ 12:49
she is fully aware of what she is doing 12:49
shes a big girl Cathy @ 12:49
exactly 12:49
if she is aware 12:49
you have no responsibility 12:49
but if she acts like a good girl, I am afraid I will get attached Mr Package138 @ 12:49
if anything, you can claim she forced you to Cathy @ 12:49
well then, you're weak 12:49
i am Mr Package138 @ 12:49
well, i can't help you with that Cathy @ 12:49
maybe you should figure out the real reason why you don't want to settle down 12:50
since the way you explain it sounds like you like to settle down but are afraid of the consequeneces of that 12:50
im fucked up because of my past relationship... 4 years of my life wasted with a girl I fell for because she was a "good girl" Mr Package138 @ 12:51
maybe it seems like u just moved here, there are so many fish in the sea.. u dont want to settle for one jus tyet Cathy @ 12:51
thats exactly it Mr Package138 @ 12:51
but... remember, that if you find the right girl Cathy @ 12:51
and u lose her cacuse of that 12:51
u lose her for good probably 12:51
the rest of the fish aren't hat great anyway 12:51
but i guess if u haven't experienced it yet, you need to otherwise you'll aways think about it 12:51
get it out of your system 12:52
then go settle down 12:52
the sow my oats theroy Mr Package138 @ 12:52
you'll find, it's not that great anyway Cathy @ 12:52
maybe I will go see a swrink Mr Package138 @ 12:52
your fine Cathy @ 12:53
everyone goes thru this 12:53
you just have more choices now than u did in texas 12:53
so all the choices are both temping and confusing 12:53
you'll sort through them eventually 12:53
just takes time and experience 12:53
where the hell do you get this shit from, are you like reading out of a book or what Mr Package138 @ 12:54
i have had both time and experience Cathy @ 12:54
ive been thru alot of shit 12:54
and yet your younger than me Mr Package138 @ 12:54
i started early Cathy @ 12:54
i guess so Mr Package138 @ 12:54
and i learn quick Cathy @ 12:54
hehe 12:54
im glad your my friend Mr Package138 @ 12:54
im going to bed now 12:55
night Cathy @ 12:55
goodnight
I know... everytime I give advice like this, it will never be done.. cause people are curious... if only we could completely satisfy curiosity by learning from others. We would learn so much faster =) but I guess somethings.. just have to be "gone through" ...
I wonder which regret is greater... regret losing "the one" or regret never trying out all the fish of the sea.... I can't answer this one cause I have never found (therefore never loss) "the one". Lucky for me, I tried out the fish and if "the one" comes along, I don't have to wonder "what else is out there". I'll know what I want when I find it =)
Random Blabber
So... I have tolerated making a few friends from school... haha. Jimmy accuses me of making friends only so they can pick me up and drop me off to our classes but that's not true! Come on... I live a block away from school! =P
But anyway, I made like one friend in each of my classes. Translation: I like about one person in each class. Not so surprisingly, they are all slightly older (aka not just outta high school), intelligent, and some are hilarious! haha.
My friends have also um, diversified. I have a Hungarian friend, Israeli friend, Mexican friend... and the rest are white. Very different from all-asian Hawaii haha. The first two are uber funny... in a kind of dick but honest way lol.
But idk, I am still anti social in the sense that I still don't like doing... "stuff" all day, everyday. I find pointless "hanging out" well, pointless and a waste of time... so I mostly see them before class or rarely, I'll watch a movie with one or do random adventures. And I completely blow off my new roommate at all his attempts to get me to hang out doing anything... which I feel kind of bad about.. but not really. Bad because I haven't said yes once yet which probably hurts his feelings, not really because I really don't want to spend any more time with him than I already do at home.. He is very... disagreeable and ignorant and... socially awkward. He asks advice from me then doesn't listen at all and argues with what I say. Why ask me then? He is also uber dramatic and like a girl which I find very, very annoying. Oh, my other roommate and I also notice he talks to himself alot... Like, alot. I guess what I'm trying to say is he is weird. Anyway,
My 4 year old cousin asked me this a couple months ago after pictures of me on myspace with all my friends. She asked "Why do you have so many friends? Doesn't it get annoying?" (err, "fan" was lightly translated from chinese to annoying.. there is more meaning to it though)
I laughed when she asked that and replied "Hmm.. yes I suppose it is sometimes"
So anyway, I do enjoy the time that I spend with new friends (though prefer company of old ones) but idk, it is quite hard to maintain friendships when you'd rather not go on any of the outings you are invited to isn't it? lol. Somehow none of them have completely given up with me yet. It might have something to do with the fact that they are all male, lol.
I suppose it's wrong of me to not want to hang out with anyone who is not my "ideal" friend but I have really tried my best to straighten out my life and I don't want to ruin it by being led astray by hanging out with the wrong crowd. Sure, I should know better and I'm not a passive person... but regardless, you are influenced by your friends whether you like it or not. I watch my friend who was as sick of doing the same shit and wasting time as I was.... who moved here first, and now a year later, he is back to the same habits he was doing back home... Thanks to the friends he chose to hang out with. I don't want to fall in the same pattern so I'm taking my time in picking my friends.
It's hard to find someone who's really "got it together" though. In fact, I don't even know what it IS to "have it together". I am still process of searching for the best combination.. hence this self reflective questioning stage I am in now. To be honest... I really admire some of my professors. Sure, they got their own personality/social problems but they are so intelligent in various fields and seem to have a good sense of how the world works. I really see flashes of genius in the words they say sometimes. More so, some just seem... happy. Content with their life. What is their secret? It is too bad that they aren't eager to reveal more of their wisdom to the generally dumb, ignorant public schooling attendants. I don't blame them. Some of the things that come out of the mouths of my fellow students really baffle me. The prof will say something genius.... like life altering advice that can only be learned from great experience and a dumb kid will object it cause "they know better".... anyway, it blows me away. Of course my professors are pretty pompous and quite aware of how much smarter they are than the average individual.. I wonder how they feel having to be surrounded by a bunch of idiots all day long.. lol. Maybe, they were once like us so they have tolerance for it knowing one day we'll learn.
I guess, in today's day and age, it is so easy to get caught up in hip hop culture where it's cool to be ghetto and have no dignity and no respect etc. I find all of that terribly unattractive now. I like people with elegance and class. There seems to be very few (young) females with these qualities however. It's all about who can get the drunkest, dress the sluttiest then let their tits and ass hang out as to see who can attract the most attention from dogs - I mean guys. Sure, I was guilty of this myself at one point.. and I still probably get sucked into the hype once in a while but never, ever to that level! I always had self control.. and was more stuck up and prude than eager to please.
I think girls should be more refined.. I watched some video someone posted on a bulletin from an import show. Wow, do these girls realize they might as well be porn stars? At least they would make more money. It's so sad how they feel they have to ooze of sex to get attention and be loved.
Wonder when this whole slutty era will end and what will be the next era. 80's, 90s, um, are we in the 00's? 100's? lol. Maybe it will start in 2010 =)
Anyway, I have ALL of my finals on Tuesday and Wednesday so this weekend will be a busy weekend. I am quite confident I will be getting A's in 3 of my classes and most likely an A in the last one however that will require alot of effort on my part to finish up this essay for the class. We'll see :)
But anyway, I made like one friend in each of my classes. Translation: I like about one person in each class. Not so surprisingly, they are all slightly older (aka not just outta high school), intelligent, and some are hilarious! haha.
My friends have also um, diversified. I have a Hungarian friend, Israeli friend, Mexican friend... and the rest are white. Very different from all-asian Hawaii haha. The first two are uber funny... in a kind of dick but honest way lol.
But idk, I am still anti social in the sense that I still don't like doing... "stuff" all day, everyday. I find pointless "hanging out" well, pointless and a waste of time... so I mostly see them before class or rarely, I'll watch a movie with one or do random adventures. And I completely blow off my new roommate at all his attempts to get me to hang out doing anything... which I feel kind of bad about.. but not really. Bad because I haven't said yes once yet which probably hurts his feelings, not really because I really don't want to spend any more time with him than I already do at home.. He is very... disagreeable and ignorant and... socially awkward. He asks advice from me then doesn't listen at all and argues with what I say. Why ask me then? He is also uber dramatic and like a girl which I find very, very annoying. Oh, my other roommate and I also notice he talks to himself alot... Like, alot. I guess what I'm trying to say is he is weird. Anyway,
My 4 year old cousin asked me this a couple months ago after pictures of me on myspace with all my friends. She asked "Why do you have so many friends? Doesn't it get annoying?" (err, "fan" was lightly translated from chinese to annoying.. there is more meaning to it though)
I laughed when she asked that and replied "Hmm.. yes I suppose it is sometimes"
So anyway, I do enjoy the time that I spend with new friends (though prefer company of old ones) but idk, it is quite hard to maintain friendships when you'd rather not go on any of the outings you are invited to isn't it? lol. Somehow none of them have completely given up with me yet. It might have something to do with the fact that they are all male, lol.
I suppose it's wrong of me to not want to hang out with anyone who is not my "ideal" friend but I have really tried my best to straighten out my life and I don't want to ruin it by being led astray by hanging out with the wrong crowd. Sure, I should know better and I'm not a passive person... but regardless, you are influenced by your friends whether you like it or not. I watch my friend who was as sick of doing the same shit and wasting time as I was.... who moved here first, and now a year later, he is back to the same habits he was doing back home... Thanks to the friends he chose to hang out with. I don't want to fall in the same pattern so I'm taking my time in picking my friends.
It's hard to find someone who's really "got it together" though. In fact, I don't even know what it IS to "have it together". I am still process of searching for the best combination.. hence this self reflective questioning stage I am in now. To be honest... I really admire some of my professors. Sure, they got their own personality/social problems but they are so intelligent in various fields and seem to have a good sense of how the world works. I really see flashes of genius in the words they say sometimes. More so, some just seem... happy. Content with their life. What is their secret? It is too bad that they aren't eager to reveal more of their wisdom to the generally dumb, ignorant public schooling attendants. I don't blame them. Some of the things that come out of the mouths of my fellow students really baffle me. The prof will say something genius.... like life altering advice that can only be learned from great experience and a dumb kid will object it cause "they know better".... anyway, it blows me away. Of course my professors are pretty pompous and quite aware of how much smarter they are than the average individual.. I wonder how they feel having to be surrounded by a bunch of idiots all day long.. lol. Maybe, they were once like us so they have tolerance for it knowing one day we'll learn.
I guess, in today's day and age, it is so easy to get caught up in hip hop culture where it's cool to be ghetto and have no dignity and no respect etc. I find all of that terribly unattractive now. I like people with elegance and class. There seems to be very few (young) females with these qualities however. It's all about who can get the drunkest, dress the sluttiest then let their tits and ass hang out as to see who can attract the most attention from dogs - I mean guys. Sure, I was guilty of this myself at one point.. and I still probably get sucked into the hype once in a while but never, ever to that level! I always had self control.. and was more stuck up and prude than eager to please.
I think girls should be more refined.. I watched some video someone posted on a bulletin from an import show. Wow, do these girls realize they might as well be porn stars? At least they would make more money. It's so sad how they feel they have to ooze of sex to get attention and be loved.
Wonder when this whole slutty era will end and what will be the next era. 80's, 90s, um, are we in the 00's? 100's? lol. Maybe it will start in 2010 =)
Anyway, I have ALL of my finals on Tuesday and Wednesday so this weekend will be a busy weekend. I am quite confident I will be getting A's in 3 of my classes and most likely an A in the last one however that will require alot of effort on my part to finish up this essay for the class. We'll see :)
Friday, November 28, 2008
No Excuses
So... I now that I have a car, I have no excuses for not doing the things I wanted to do but never really did...
I won't make excuses because I'm sure if I REALLY wanted to, I could easily get both a ride and company but... as long as I do it now, right? O:)
To do list:
1. Community service. I want to try a variety before I pick a few to commit to. So far, I have found Reading to Kids quite appealing. I've signed up for the next event on Dec 13. www.readingtokids.org
Picking up trash probably isn't top on my list... However, I don't mind doing those"feed the homeless" programs. I'd like to try at least a handful of different types of cs.
2. Church. I like the concept of church... but to be honest I don't care for most "hardcore Christians". I find they are some of the most pretentious, unethical, hypocritical people I know... much worse than "sinful" regular folks that don't go to church. What I mean is, if you're bad and you KNOW you're bad.. at least you aren't lying to yourself. If you aren't necessarily "bad" but you try to act like you are holy and god-fearing... I have no respect for such people. Somehow going to church every week and gushing about Jesus to everyone then confessing your sins makes up for the lack of good they really do? BUT If I find a decent church, I'll attend semi-regularly. :) Maybe join the youth group or something. Wait - am I too old for youth group now???
3. Gym! 24 Hour Fitness is really not that far from my house... but by the time I bike there, I am tired and have exercised enough that I want to go home... lol. I want to get back into swimming so I'll make it a point to go at least once a week and hop in the pool and hope to one day regain my old swimming skills :). Swimming is one of the best cardios/workouts out there... It'd be nice to get in shape again! I kinda miss having semi-abs and uber skinny arms ;)
4. San Francisco/Sunnyvale. Forget Vegas! I wanna visit my best friend! Flights are really cheap... but it'll be nice to have a car while there :) Planning on making a trip once I get everything checked up on the car and get insurance. Hopefully before my winter trip... but if not, definitely after!
If you would like to join me for any of these activities (except maybe 4) post a comment :) Oooor if you have a good suggestion for 1 & 2!
xoxo
Cat
I won't make excuses because I'm sure if I REALLY wanted to, I could easily get both a ride and company but... as long as I do it now, right? O:)
To do list:
1. Community service. I want to try a variety before I pick a few to commit to. So far, I have found Reading to Kids quite appealing. I've signed up for the next event on Dec 13. www.readingtokids.org
Picking up trash probably isn't top on my list... However, I don't mind doing those"feed the homeless" programs. I'd like to try at least a handful of different types of cs.
2. Church. I like the concept of church... but to be honest I don't care for most "hardcore Christians". I find they are some of the most pretentious, unethical, hypocritical people I know... much worse than "sinful" regular folks that don't go to church. What I mean is, if you're bad and you KNOW you're bad.. at least you aren't lying to yourself. If you aren't necessarily "bad" but you try to act like you are holy and god-fearing... I have no respect for such people. Somehow going to church every week and gushing about Jesus to everyone then confessing your sins makes up for the lack of good they really do? BUT If I find a decent church, I'll attend semi-regularly. :) Maybe join the youth group or something. Wait - am I too old for youth group now???
3. Gym! 24 Hour Fitness is really not that far from my house... but by the time I bike there, I am tired and have exercised enough that I want to go home... lol. I want to get back into swimming so I'll make it a point to go at least once a week and hop in the pool and hope to one day regain my old swimming skills :). Swimming is one of the best cardios/workouts out there... It'd be nice to get in shape again! I kinda miss having semi-abs and uber skinny arms ;)
4. San Francisco/Sunnyvale. Forget Vegas! I wanna visit my best friend! Flights are really cheap... but it'll be nice to have a car while there :) Planning on making a trip once I get everything checked up on the car and get insurance. Hopefully before my winter trip... but if not, definitely after!
If you would like to join me for any of these activities (except maybe 4) post a comment :) Oooor if you have a good suggestion for 1 & 2!
xoxo
Cat
Monday, November 24, 2008
Interesting
So.... on the lonely journey to wherever it is we are headed.. (by we, I do not necessarily mean the reader)
You'll encounter guys who will hurt you... hope to keep encounter short and "sweet" as possible.
However, that will probably not happen. You'll give your all to one guy, be unappreciated and mistreated and swear never to do give your all again after it's all over.
You'll turn cold but one day, warmth will find you again, when the time is right.
You'll meet people who will help you get to your destination. Thank them, and don't reciprocate the under-appreciation to them in return.
You'll meet girl-friends that will screw you over.
You'll find your best friends after you get through the hard times with them first.
You're real friends will know everything about you (good and bad) yet somehow manage to grin and joke about your bad and bring out even more of the good.
You'll hit rock bottom. You'll get a taste of "the life".
Happiness will peak its way into your life. Disaster and the accompanying attitude will drown it. It'll shine back through. Repeat about 1000x or so.
You'll be tested. You'll feel like you can't handle everything that's going on. You'll have days when you wouldn't wish to be anyone in the world but yourself.
You'll feel alone in this world. You'll learn to depend on yourself. You'll learn that time changes everything.
You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll question yourself. Your beliefs will change. You'll discover more everyday. You'll never be perfect but you can always improve more and more.
You'll lose it all, you'll get it all back.
This may not apply to a lot of people. Some people are merely existing, while you and I actually live. "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all" - Oscar Wilde
If you can't handle the ups and downs before you get to the top (whatever "top" to you may be), it may be easier to simply exist... but if you think it's better, you truly have never felt what it feels like to live.
Oh, random blog found while searching for the author of that quote. I do not necessarily agree with everything but it's interesting, isn't it?:
What I'm about to say will sound a bit pompous, but it's true. What is coming could be the most important minutes in your lives. If you could grasp this, you'd hit upon the secret of awakening. You would be happy forever. You would never be unhappy again. Nothing would have the power to hurt you again. I mean that, nothing. It's like when you throw black paint in the air, the air remains uncontaminated. You never color the air black. No matter what happens to you, you remain uncontaminated. You remain at peace. There are human beings who have attained this, what I call being human. Not this nonsense of being a puppet, jerked about this way and that way, letting events or other people tell you how to feel. So you proceed to feel it and you call it being vulnerable. Ha! I call it being a puppet. So you want to be a puppet? Press a button and you're down; do you like that? But if you refuse to identify with any of those labels, most of your worries cease.
Later we'll talk about fear of disease and death, but ordinarily you're worried about what's going to happen to your career. A small-time businessman, fifty-five years old, is sipping beer at a bar somewhere and he's saying, "Well, look at my classmates, they've really made it." The idiot! What does he mean, "They made it"? They've got their names in the newspaper. Do you call that making it? One is president of the corporation; the other has become the Chief Justice; somebody else has become this or that. Monkeys, all of them.
Who determines what it means to be a success? This stupid society! The main preoccupation of society is to keep society sick! And the sooner you realize that, the better. Sick, every one of them. They are loony, they're crazy. You became president of the lunatic asylum and you're proud of it even though it means nothing. Being president of a corporation has nothing to do with being a success in life. Having a lot of money has nothing to do with being a success in life. You're a success in life when you wake up! Then you don't have to apologize to anyone, you don't have to explain anything to anyone, you don't give a damn what anybody thinks about you or what anybody says about you. You have no worries; you're happy. That's what I call being a success. Having a good job or being famous or having a great reputation has absolutely nothing to do with happiness or success. Nothing! It is totally irrelevant. All he's really worried about is what his children will think about him, what the neighbors will think about him, what his wife will think about him. He should have become famous. Our society and culture drill that into our heads day and night. People who made it! Made what?! Made asses of themselves. Because they drained all their energy getting something that was worthless. They're frightened and confused, they are puppets like the rest. Look at them strutting across the stage. Look how upset they get if they have a stain on their shirt. Do you call that a success? Look at how frightened they are at the prospect they might not be reelected. Do you call that a success? They are controlled, so manipulated. They are unhappy people, they are miserable people. They don't enjoy life. They are constantly tense and anxious. Do you call that human? And do you know why that happens? Only one reason: They identified with some label. They identified the "I" with their money or their job or their profession. That was their error.
Did you hear about the lawyer who was presented with a plumber's bill? He said to the plumber, "Hey, you're charging me two hundred dollars an hour. I don't make that kind of money as a lawyer." The plumber said, "I didn't make that kind of money when I was a lawyer either!" You could be a plumber or a lawyer or a business man or a priest, but that does not affect the essential "I." It doesn't affect you. If I change my profession tomorrow, it's just like changing my clothes. I am untouched. Are you your clothes? Are you your name? Are you your profession? Stop identifying with them. They come and go.
When you really understand this, no criticism can affect you. No flattery or praise can affect you either. When someone says, "You're a great guy," what is he talking about? He's talking about "me," he's not talking about "I." "I" is neither great nor small. "I" is neither successful nor a failure. It is none of these labels. These things come and go. These things depend on the criteria society establishes. These things depend on your conditioning. These things depend on the mood of the person who happens to be talking to you right now. It has nothing to do with "I." "I" is none of these labels. "Me" is generally selfish, foolish, childish -- a great big ass. So when you say, "You're an ass," I've known it for years! The conditioned self -- what did you expect? I've known it for years. Why do you identify with him? Silly! That isn't "I," that's "me."
Do you want to be happy? Uninterrupted happiness is uncaused. True happiness is uncaused. You cannot make me happy. You are not my happiness. You say to the awakened person, "Why are you happy?" and the awakened person replies, "Why not?"
Happiness is our natural state. Happiness is the natural state of little children, to whom the kingdom belongs until they have been polluted and contaminated by the stupidity of society and culture. To acquire happiness you don't have to do anything, because happiness cannot be acquired. Does anybody know why? Because we have it already. How can you acquire what you already have? Then why don't you experience it? Because you've got to drop something. You've got to drop illusions. You don't have to add anything in order to be happy; you've got to drop something. Life is easy, life is delightful. It's only hard on your illusions, your ambitions, your greed, your cravings. Do you know where these things come from? From having identified with all kinds of labels!
-Anthony de Mello, SJ
You'll encounter guys who will hurt you... hope to keep encounter short and "sweet" as possible.
However, that will probably not happen. You'll give your all to one guy, be unappreciated and mistreated and swear never to do give your all again after it's all over.
You'll turn cold but one day, warmth will find you again, when the time is right.
You'll meet people who will help you get to your destination. Thank them, and don't reciprocate the under-appreciation to them in return.
You'll meet girl-friends that will screw you over.
You'll find your best friends after you get through the hard times with them first.
You're real friends will know everything about you (good and bad) yet somehow manage to grin and joke about your bad and bring out even more of the good.
You'll hit rock bottom. You'll get a taste of "the life".
Happiness will peak its way into your life. Disaster and the accompanying attitude will drown it. It'll shine back through. Repeat about 1000x or so.
You'll be tested. You'll feel like you can't handle everything that's going on. You'll have days when you wouldn't wish to be anyone in the world but yourself.
You'll feel alone in this world. You'll learn to depend on yourself. You'll learn that time changes everything.
You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll question yourself. Your beliefs will change. You'll discover more everyday. You'll never be perfect but you can always improve more and more.
You'll lose it all, you'll get it all back.
This may not apply to a lot of people. Some people are merely existing, while you and I actually live. "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all" - Oscar Wilde
If you can't handle the ups and downs before you get to the top (whatever "top" to you may be), it may be easier to simply exist... but if you think it's better, you truly have never felt what it feels like to live.
Oh, random blog found while searching for the author of that quote. I do not necessarily agree with everything but it's interesting, isn't it?:
What I'm about to say will sound a bit pompous, but it's true. What is coming could be the most important minutes in your lives. If you could grasp this, you'd hit upon the secret of awakening. You would be happy forever. You would never be unhappy again. Nothing would have the power to hurt you again. I mean that, nothing. It's like when you throw black paint in the air, the air remains uncontaminated. You never color the air black. No matter what happens to you, you remain uncontaminated. You remain at peace. There are human beings who have attained this, what I call being human. Not this nonsense of being a puppet, jerked about this way and that way, letting events or other people tell you how to feel. So you proceed to feel it and you call it being vulnerable. Ha! I call it being a puppet. So you want to be a puppet? Press a button and you're down; do you like that? But if you refuse to identify with any of those labels, most of your worries cease.
Later we'll talk about fear of disease and death, but ordinarily you're worried about what's going to happen to your career. A small-time businessman, fifty-five years old, is sipping beer at a bar somewhere and he's saying, "Well, look at my classmates, they've really made it." The idiot! What does he mean, "They made it"? They've got their names in the newspaper. Do you call that making it? One is president of the corporation; the other has become the Chief Justice; somebody else has become this or that. Monkeys, all of them.
Who determines what it means to be a success? This stupid society! The main preoccupation of society is to keep society sick! And the sooner you realize that, the better. Sick, every one of them. They are loony, they're crazy. You became president of the lunatic asylum and you're proud of it even though it means nothing. Being president of a corporation has nothing to do with being a success in life. Having a lot of money has nothing to do with being a success in life. You're a success in life when you wake up! Then you don't have to apologize to anyone, you don't have to explain anything to anyone, you don't give a damn what anybody thinks about you or what anybody says about you. You have no worries; you're happy. That's what I call being a success. Having a good job or being famous or having a great reputation has absolutely nothing to do with happiness or success. Nothing! It is totally irrelevant. All he's really worried about is what his children will think about him, what the neighbors will think about him, what his wife will think about him. He should have become famous. Our society and culture drill that into our heads day and night. People who made it! Made what?! Made asses of themselves. Because they drained all their energy getting something that was worthless. They're frightened and confused, they are puppets like the rest. Look at them strutting across the stage. Look how upset they get if they have a stain on their shirt. Do you call that a success? Look at how frightened they are at the prospect they might not be reelected. Do you call that a success? They are controlled, so manipulated. They are unhappy people, they are miserable people. They don't enjoy life. They are constantly tense and anxious. Do you call that human? And do you know why that happens? Only one reason: They identified with some label. They identified the "I" with their money or their job or their profession. That was their error.
Did you hear about the lawyer who was presented with a plumber's bill? He said to the plumber, "Hey, you're charging me two hundred dollars an hour. I don't make that kind of money as a lawyer." The plumber said, "I didn't make that kind of money when I was a lawyer either!" You could be a plumber or a lawyer or a business man or a priest, but that does not affect the essential "I." It doesn't affect you. If I change my profession tomorrow, it's just like changing my clothes. I am untouched. Are you your clothes? Are you your name? Are you your profession? Stop identifying with them. They come and go.
When you really understand this, no criticism can affect you. No flattery or praise can affect you either. When someone says, "You're a great guy," what is he talking about? He's talking about "me," he's not talking about "I." "I" is neither great nor small. "I" is neither successful nor a failure. It is none of these labels. These things come and go. These things depend on the criteria society establishes. These things depend on your conditioning. These things depend on the mood of the person who happens to be talking to you right now. It has nothing to do with "I." "I" is none of these labels. "Me" is generally selfish, foolish, childish -- a great big ass. So when you say, "You're an ass," I've known it for years! The conditioned self -- what did you expect? I've known it for years. Why do you identify with him? Silly! That isn't "I," that's "me."
Do you want to be happy? Uninterrupted happiness is uncaused. True happiness is uncaused. You cannot make me happy. You are not my happiness. You say to the awakened person, "Why are you happy?" and the awakened person replies, "Why not?"
Happiness is our natural state. Happiness is the natural state of little children, to whom the kingdom belongs until they have been polluted and contaminated by the stupidity of society and culture. To acquire happiness you don't have to do anything, because happiness cannot be acquired. Does anybody know why? Because we have it already. How can you acquire what you already have? Then why don't you experience it? Because you've got to drop something. You've got to drop illusions. You don't have to add anything in order to be happy; you've got to drop something. Life is easy, life is delightful. It's only hard on your illusions, your ambitions, your greed, your cravings. Do you know where these things come from? From having identified with all kinds of labels!
-Anthony de Mello, SJ
Hard Decisions
Everybody has issues and is crazy in their own way. Either that or extremely sheltered uncorrupted and naive.
I was (and maybe still am) considering a degree in psychology.. but I really don't want to spend the rest of my life listening to the crazy problems of others. I think I just want understanding of the logic behind the illogical. I have a hard enough time dealing with one mentally unstable person. I am a extremely logical and rational person and not being able to get someone to see a point -- no matter how valid! -- with logic and reasoning infuriates me. It's easy to tell a bi-polar person to fuck off if you have no emotional ties to them (which I do now... as soon as I figure it out) but when you care for the person, like a mother (would hopefully) care for her son, it makes it hard to just drop them.
Idky. With all other people and things so far in my life, I have no problem completely distancing my emotions with my logic. Ruthless is not the right word because if I were ruthless, I would not be bothering with this shit now. However, I have been told (or rather asked) how I can completely forget about someone who has done me wrong in an instant and never think or miss them again. The key in that sentence was the "done me wrong" part.. Maybe it's karma cause this one person has done me wrong in so many ways and so many times that I cannot even recall half the things he did yet I still have a hard time cutting him from my thoughts and my life.
I don't understand it, I've seen this one particular person do Wonderful things that most people would never think of doing.... extremely good, selfless acts... and then a week later do something extremely, extremely bad! It confuses me. I like good people... and I think the older I get the more I believe that most people... are bad.. which is sad.
All of my better judgement tells me to cut him off as no good can come of it.. yet again and again I don't listen to myself which is against my character. I ALWAYS stick with what I decide.
Another part of me wants to help him... it's like a little helpless kid who's crying for help. But that same "helpless kid" has done the cruelest things to me anyone has ever done and expect me to love and forgive him afterwards every time. My threats to forgo my friendship fall upon empty ears. He doesn't believe me anymore cause each time, I have proven to give another chance! I always speak of the one day when I really WILL leave and that day still hasn't come no matter how much I mean it when the words escape my mouth.
LOL.. I don't know why I'm posting this up. I guess I'm just confused. The one thing in my life I seem not to have control over. hah. If I keep dealing with this, I'M the one who's going to need to see a therapist, not him!
---------------------
Email I sent earlier:
Please understand. It's very hard for me. I love you very much otherwise I would have cut all ties by now. It's hard to have someone tell you your the source of all their problems one day, then the next day want love and affection. I had forgotten about your outbreaks, you were doing good for a while. Please get on your medication again and see a doctor. I want to see you get better and I'm afraid if we continue in this pattern I truly cannot handle it much longer. I have the stresses of my own life now and life is not as easy and dandy as it once was. Your ups and downs affect me too and I cannot afford to have a down affect my own emotional well being, school and my future. I love you so much and I believe you can keep your disease under control, but it will take commitment. Please, baby, get well for yourself, your own future, as well as for me. I've grown up enough to accept that fact that people come in and out of life and some stay and most don't. Only time can tell if you and I are meant to be together or in each others lives... but most importantly for you is to get yourself under control for your future relationship with me and with other people. I may or may not be around for the rest of your life... but unless you do something about it, your disease will be. You have a blessed life and a wonderful family that loves you.. Please see the new doctor asap.
Much love,
Cathy
The funny thing about all this is I believe the human will can overcome anything. You CAN change anything you want about yourself.. but the problem in most people is that they don't WANT to really change. They make excuses, they justify.. justify, justify, justify. Or they don't believe that they can really do something about it. "It" being whatever it is about themselves they don't like. Physically, maybe not... but everything else? Sure! Everything is what you make of it. they come up with "mental disorders"... but idk. is it all just bullshit? I've consciously made huge changes in my behavior and attitudes... each time I've become aware of a problem and focused on changing, I've done it so I know from experience you can alter things. But maybe not everyone is as strong willed as I am... but they could be, if they WANT it, right? And stop making excuses and take account and responsibility for their own actions? Can you reaaaalllly not be able to help your own actions cause of a "chemical imbalance"?? There has to be something deeply rooted in ones self that cause this behavior and the lack of wanting to accept and change.... no? So I give some people the benefit of the doubt... that some people who are ill, really ARE ill and really can't help it... but honestly? I think the rest of them are just bullshitters and are just acting. Maybe from lack of attention or maybe it's easier to act ill than it is to change....who knows what..
Idk. It's too late. I need to sleep.
I was (and maybe still am) considering a degree in psychology.. but I really don't want to spend the rest of my life listening to the crazy problems of others. I think I just want understanding of the logic behind the illogical. I have a hard enough time dealing with one mentally unstable person. I am a extremely logical and rational person and not being able to get someone to see a point -- no matter how valid! -- with logic and reasoning infuriates me. It's easy to tell a bi-polar person to fuck off if you have no emotional ties to them (which I do now... as soon as I figure it out) but when you care for the person, like a mother (would hopefully) care for her son, it makes it hard to just drop them.
Idky. With all other people and things so far in my life, I have no problem completely distancing my emotions with my logic. Ruthless is not the right word because if I were ruthless, I would not be bothering with this shit now. However, I have been told (or rather asked) how I can completely forget about someone who has done me wrong in an instant and never think or miss them again. The key in that sentence was the "done me wrong" part.. Maybe it's karma cause this one person has done me wrong in so many ways and so many times that I cannot even recall half the things he did yet I still have a hard time cutting him from my thoughts and my life.
I don't understand it, I've seen this one particular person do Wonderful things that most people would never think of doing.... extremely good, selfless acts... and then a week later do something extremely, extremely bad! It confuses me. I like good people... and I think the older I get the more I believe that most people... are bad.. which is sad.
All of my better judgement tells me to cut him off as no good can come of it.. yet again and again I don't listen to myself which is against my character. I ALWAYS stick with what I decide.
Another part of me wants to help him... it's like a little helpless kid who's crying for help. But that same "helpless kid" has done the cruelest things to me anyone has ever done and expect me to love and forgive him afterwards every time. My threats to forgo my friendship fall upon empty ears. He doesn't believe me anymore cause each time, I have proven to give another chance! I always speak of the one day when I really WILL leave and that day still hasn't come no matter how much I mean it when the words escape my mouth.
LOL.. I don't know why I'm posting this up. I guess I'm just confused. The one thing in my life I seem not to have control over. hah. If I keep dealing with this, I'M the one who's going to need to see a therapist, not him!
---------------------
Email I sent earlier:
Please understand. It's very hard for me. I love you very much otherwise I would have cut all ties by now. It's hard to have someone tell you your the source of all their problems one day, then the next day want love and affection. I had forgotten about your outbreaks, you were doing good for a while. Please get on your medication again and see a doctor. I want to see you get better and I'm afraid if we continue in this pattern I truly cannot handle it much longer. I have the stresses of my own life now and life is not as easy and dandy as it once was. Your ups and downs affect me too and I cannot afford to have a down affect my own emotional well being, school and my future. I love you so much and I believe you can keep your disease under control, but it will take commitment. Please, baby, get well for yourself, your own future, as well as for me. I've grown up enough to accept that fact that people come in and out of life and some stay and most don't. Only time can tell if you and I are meant to be together or in each others lives... but most importantly for you is to get yourself under control for your future relationship with me and with other people. I may or may not be around for the rest of your life... but unless you do something about it, your disease will be. You have a blessed life and a wonderful family that loves you.. Please see the new doctor asap.
Much love,
Cathy
The funny thing about all this is I believe the human will can overcome anything. You CAN change anything you want about yourself.. but the problem in most people is that they don't WANT to really change. They make excuses, they justify.. justify, justify, justify. Or they don't believe that they can really do something about it. "It" being whatever it is about themselves they don't like. Physically, maybe not... but everything else? Sure! Everything is what you make of it. they come up with "mental disorders"... but idk. is it all just bullshit? I've consciously made huge changes in my behavior and attitudes... each time I've become aware of a problem and focused on changing, I've done it so I know from experience you can alter things. But maybe not everyone is as strong willed as I am... but they could be, if they WANT it, right? And stop making excuses and take account and responsibility for their own actions? Can you reaaaalllly not be able to help your own actions cause of a "chemical imbalance"?? There has to be something deeply rooted in ones self that cause this behavior and the lack of wanting to accept and change.... no? So I give some people the benefit of the doubt... that some people who are ill, really ARE ill and really can't help it... but honestly? I think the rest of them are just bullshitters and are just acting. Maybe from lack of attention or maybe it's easier to act ill than it is to change....who knows what..
Idk. It's too late. I need to sleep.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Incredulous
I am feeling sooooo much better. Not entirely better but at least I can get up, walk around, grab my own water, food and meds and look at the computer without getting sick!
So I really only had to go one terribly miserable day without being nursed... but it was probably THE worst day so give me some credit :) Jerko who went to play poker before I got sick and refused to come back or believe that I really had to go to the hospital finally got my voicemails and came back to wait on me hand and foot. Though not without being a bitch about it sometimes. He even extended his trip and left this afternoon.. I forgive him cause I really don't think I would have made it the rest of the days on my own cause the pain got worse. He's also the only one I know who can out sleep a kidney infected patient so it worked out well... usually his bearlike hibernation irritates me cause I always wanna go out and do something.
He lost 3k when leaving me... and then later went back after nursing me back to health and won everything back plus about another 5k or so. See, good things happen when I'm happy and fed. haha.
I changed all my sheets, threw away a pillow, tidied up my room.... anything to get any reminder of the horrible-ness out of sight and out of mind... Can't believe I was in bed for a week straight. Technically, I'm supposed to still be in bed but I'm trying to be a little active cause laying around is not good for my mental health. Gonna try to go to school tomorrow if I am physically able.
On another note, Danny took me shopping for my birthday... which means I can buy anything and everything my little heart desires... After going to multiple shopping centers from east to west.. Guess what I got??
Well, here's what I really WANTED: Nice coats for winter..
Here's what I ended up picking out: 3 pans for baking muffins, loafs and cookies from some kitchen shop.. couple bottles of body wash and an umbrella cause it's been raining from Rite Aid and 2 sweaters (cause he forced me to get SOME kind of warm clothing) and really cute pajamas from Ross of all places.
LOL. What happened to me... so many times already, I could buy anything I wanted from anywhere and didn't really want ANYTHING. I didn't even want the new ipod.. I don't like it. And I already own everything else in Mac lol. I got too much stuff.. Danny: "Wtf, I got all this stuff and all you got are some baking supplies??" incredulous - would a good word to describe his face hahah.
I realized I'm going to freeze during winter cause it's been about 3 months of searching and I refuse to buy any coats that aren't perfect fitting and good looking. and warm. and most likely white. :( The only one I found was this Nine West coat that was GORGEOUS... but they didn't have my size. **sigggh**. But even if I found one... I can't wear the same coat everyday!! I gotta buy at least... 4...
Oh well, I only have to endure the cold for another 6 weeks. I'll be migrating when the worst of it comes :)
So I really only had to go one terribly miserable day without being nursed... but it was probably THE worst day so give me some credit :) Jerko who went to play poker before I got sick and refused to come back or believe that I really had to go to the hospital finally got my voicemails and came back to wait on me hand and foot. Though not without being a bitch about it sometimes. He even extended his trip and left this afternoon.. I forgive him cause I really don't think I would have made it the rest of the days on my own cause the pain got worse. He's also the only one I know who can out sleep a kidney infected patient so it worked out well... usually his bearlike hibernation irritates me cause I always wanna go out and do something.
He lost 3k when leaving me... and then later went back after nursing me back to health and won everything back plus about another 5k or so. See, good things happen when I'm happy and fed. haha.
I changed all my sheets, threw away a pillow, tidied up my room.... anything to get any reminder of the horrible-ness out of sight and out of mind... Can't believe I was in bed for a week straight. Technically, I'm supposed to still be in bed but I'm trying to be a little active cause laying around is not good for my mental health. Gonna try to go to school tomorrow if I am physically able.
On another note, Danny took me shopping for my birthday... which means I can buy anything and everything my little heart desires... After going to multiple shopping centers from east to west.. Guess what I got??
Well, here's what I really WANTED: Nice coats for winter..
Here's what I ended up picking out: 3 pans for baking muffins, loafs and cookies from some kitchen shop.. couple bottles of body wash and an umbrella cause it's been raining from Rite Aid and 2 sweaters (cause he forced me to get SOME kind of warm clothing) and really cute pajamas from Ross of all places.
LOL. What happened to me... so many times already, I could buy anything I wanted from anywhere and didn't really want ANYTHING. I didn't even want the new ipod.. I don't like it. And I already own everything else in Mac lol. I got too much stuff.. Danny: "Wtf, I got all this stuff and all you got are some baking supplies??" incredulous - would a good word to describe his face hahah.
I realized I'm going to freeze during winter cause it's been about 3 months of searching and I refuse to buy any coats that aren't perfect fitting and good looking. and warm. and most likely white. :( The only one I found was this Nine West coat that was GORGEOUS... but they didn't have my size. **sigggh**. But even if I found one... I can't wear the same coat everyday!! I gotta buy at least... 4...
Oh well, I only have to endure the cold for another 6 weeks. I'll be migrating when the worst of it comes :)
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Traumatized by LA people..
If you've talked to me lately... you'll know that I've turned into an antisocial homebody. LOL. What the hell, right? I thought I was growing up but I realized that although I like staying home alot more than I used to, it's mostly cause I'm traumatized of meeting more people in LA!
In Hawaii, people generally watch what they do cause it will get back to them cause the island is so small. It is not so in LA... I'm laughing as I realize how much of a difference it makes in the behavior of people and I finally realize I've been freaked out by some of the people I've met in LA so I've pretty much been the complete opposite of what I usually am and haven't really gotten to know ANYONE.
I'd say the first month I was meeting people everyday... but after the first crazy roommate, the multiple crazy guys, the never ending phone calls, the guys who just wouldn't take a hint and kept calling and calling and calling, the badgering, the weirdos and the latest stalker... No wonder I've turned so anti social!
I don't know what to do at this point. I wanna meet new fun, interesting people (that aren't only interested in partying)... but I'm terrified of meeting more crazy people.. esp crazy ones who are just desperate to date someone!! Ass-kissing is not a turn on.
It'd be nice to be around American people who speak English and have a sense of humor again! This lack of social interaction is so unlike me. I don't want people around me 24/7 again but at least know SOME cool people.. I thought there were supposed to be tons in LA.. Okay yeah, I guess technically, I'm in Santa Monica. Apparently, everyone here is really lame. There are no pretty girls (that speak english.. there are some FOB ones), tons of crazy homeless people, college kids that try to be cool by throwing ghetto parties every week, more homeless people, and a good college. I am not the only one who feels this way... my friend who's lived here a year now also feels that there's no cool non-fob people either. However, he can tolerate drunk immature college kids and I can't.. so that just rules out about 98% of the population I see on a daily basis. Oh yeah, the only cool part about SM is that alot of celebrities live nearby or come here like Britney Spears. But it makes sense, cause she's crazy too.
hahah. What am I going to do... I want to move to ktown or downtown or or um, any town other than Santamonicatown. Should I transfer?? -_-
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Sick and in Pain
I have a kidney infection.... it really, really hurts. This has got to be in the top 10 most miserable moments in my life so far.
It's hot but I feel cold. I've been shivering all day, freezing and then the next moment I'm drenched in sweat. Worst of all there's no one here to take care of me. I just realized growing up sucks. I was lucky to have a wonderful mother who always took care of me... Growing up I never did ANY chores and was pampered head to foot. and when I got older I was surrounded by even more people who took care of me. My boyfriends always took care of me. Most people think I'm so independent but I think I'm a big baby :( Somewhere along the line, I learned to put up a wall so that people don't take advantage of kindness.
I wonder how other people who don't have a lot of friends survive... what do they do when they're sick?? It must be hard.. I've never had to take care of myself if I got sick... someone was always there. I'm sure I could call someone here to come over but it just doesn't feel right.. there's no one I really feel close to yet up here and when your sick, you wanna be comfortable. Or at least I do. In a way I'm choosing to suffer by myself right now.. what do people without that option do??
My friend slept over last night to watch over me and took me to the hospital today but I feel bad having him do it... it's not like we're dating or anything nor is he trying to. It's a very strange feeling to be so sick I can barely walk yet have to fend for myself and feed myself etc.
I miss my friends. I don't relate to anyone in any of my classes. In fact, I've turned kind of anti social. It's like I do everything I can to keep the guys in my classes away from me.. and now I'm complaining about having no one around when I'm sick. haha. I just can't communicate with people my age... and I'm over partying and drinking and trying to be cool. And unfortunately, that's all college kids do. Well, I guess there's one student I get along with.. but he's older and mature and going back to school.
Fuck, I want to sleep but I've been sleeping for two days straight. Can't fall asleep anymore! And I'm kind of afraid to take ambien right now. I hate sleeping all day. In another hour I have to force myself to eat so I can take my meds. The thought of food makes me nauseated! :(:(
It's hot but I feel cold. I've been shivering all day, freezing and then the next moment I'm drenched in sweat. Worst of all there's no one here to take care of me. I just realized growing up sucks. I was lucky to have a wonderful mother who always took care of me... Growing up I never did ANY chores and was pampered head to foot. and when I got older I was surrounded by even more people who took care of me. My boyfriends always took care of me. Most people think I'm so independent but I think I'm a big baby :( Somewhere along the line, I learned to put up a wall so that people don't take advantage of kindness.
I wonder how other people who don't have a lot of friends survive... what do they do when they're sick?? It must be hard.. I've never had to take care of myself if I got sick... someone was always there. I'm sure I could call someone here to come over but it just doesn't feel right.. there's no one I really feel close to yet up here and when your sick, you wanna be comfortable. Or at least I do. In a way I'm choosing to suffer by myself right now.. what do people without that option do??
My friend slept over last night to watch over me and took me to the hospital today but I feel bad having him do it... it's not like we're dating or anything nor is he trying to. It's a very strange feeling to be so sick I can barely walk yet have to fend for myself and feed myself etc.
I miss my friends. I don't relate to anyone in any of my classes. In fact, I've turned kind of anti social. It's like I do everything I can to keep the guys in my classes away from me.. and now I'm complaining about having no one around when I'm sick. haha. I just can't communicate with people my age... and I'm over partying and drinking and trying to be cool. And unfortunately, that's all college kids do. Well, I guess there's one student I get along with.. but he's older and mature and going back to school.
Fuck, I want to sleep but I've been sleeping for two days straight. Can't fall asleep anymore! And I'm kind of afraid to take ambien right now. I hate sleeping all day. In another hour I have to force myself to eat so I can take my meds. The thought of food makes me nauseated! :(:(
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Creep
I went to sleep last night with pepper spray in my hand...
I was way friendlier than I usually am when I first moved here and now I can see that my usual coldness is for good reason!
I met this guy my first couple of weeks here... David something or other. I don't think I would have ever talked to him had I been settled in here already. I had lunch with him twice in the course of like 2 months. He was kind of annoying so I never wanted to hang out with him.. every time he'd ask I told him I was busy or had friends visiting. He seemed okay though cause he'd always respect my schedule and not badger if I said I'm busy for the whole week (or one time a whole month lol)
Fast forward few more months. I never wanted to hang out with him.. made friends with people I like.. kept getting texts from David every once in a while and way to often he'd send me a picture of his ugly ass face... I mean... WHY?? I'm conceited and I don't even do that!! Wtf. What did he think I was going to do with his pictures except show them to my friends and laugh. !?!??!
Then one day he sent a text that infuriated me "I want to know you better. What you like, what you don't like, when's the first time you had sex, how many guys have you been with, what's your favorite position etc" or something like that...
I'm not the prudest person in the world (okay maybe I am. LOL) and I don't mind talking to my friends about sex but from a complete creepy stranger that really pissed me off.. so I messaged him back and told him "Heres what I don't like: Guys like you. Don't contact me again"
I thought he got the point until he called again last night.This is like 2-3 months later.
I received a blocked call in the middle of the night and when I picked up the caller hung up. I thought it was kind of weird but maybe my mom called on accident cause our house number in blocked.
Anyway, 10 minutes later he called again.
"Hello???"
"Hi Cat"
"Who's this?"
"Um.. ummmm... it's me.. David.. the guy you don't like... I just called cause I was near your place.. umm what's up with you?"
"Um. Why are you calling me? Do you know what time it is? What do you want?"
"Ehh well I just wanted to talk to you. You know? I feel bad, dont want it to end the way it did, I was inappropriate, I didn't know you would get so pissed, I'm sorry"
"Why are you calling me this late?? I have school.. and why'd you call and hang up earlier"
"Oh um.. my phone died earlier. I'm by your place.. wanted to see you, do you want to get something to eat?"
"NO, don't call me this late"
"Are you.. sure..? Let's get somethign to eat"
-- i started to get really mad --
"No, don't fucking call me this late with a blocked number!"
"Yeah but.. i'm by your place. I wanted to stop by or something. Maybe we can do something"
"I HAVE SCHOOL"
"Okay I'm sorry"
"I'm going back to sleep. BYE"
I got off the phone and guess what happened 10 minutes later? He called AGAIN... I was saying "Hello???" and all he did was just stay on the other line breathing. I hung up and he called again.. this time I answered with "What the fuck is your problem??" and he hung up.
WHAT A CREEP. I honestly thought he was going to come knocking on my door and do something stupid and I have no gangster / exfighter friends in LA to call in times like these. I was so freaked out... in fact while I called my friend to tell him what happened I was almost going to cry because I know just how easy it is to break my door down! omg.
So I finally went to sleep after talking to two friends... I realized the first one I called doesn't even live in California so that wasn't very comforting LOL so I called my other friend and my friend couldn't pick me up cause he just sold his car n was carless but he calmed me down and talked me to sleep for half an hour. :(
I slept with my pepper spray that Danny got for me and the whole time I was kinda afraid I'd accidentally unlock it in my sleep and spray myself LOL
Anyway, everything turned out okay but at the time I was really freaked out. Ugh. No wonder I've been avoiding guys like a plague.. -___-
I was way friendlier than I usually am when I first moved here and now I can see that my usual coldness is for good reason!
I met this guy my first couple of weeks here... David something or other. I don't think I would have ever talked to him had I been settled in here already. I had lunch with him twice in the course of like 2 months. He was kind of annoying so I never wanted to hang out with him.. every time he'd ask I told him I was busy or had friends visiting. He seemed okay though cause he'd always respect my schedule and not badger if I said I'm busy for the whole week (or one time a whole month lol)
Fast forward few more months. I never wanted to hang out with him.. made friends with people I like.. kept getting texts from David every once in a while and way to often he'd send me a picture of his ugly ass face... I mean... WHY?? I'm conceited and I don't even do that!! Wtf. What did he think I was going to do with his pictures except show them to my friends and laugh. !?!??!
Then one day he sent a text that infuriated me "I want to know you better. What you like, what you don't like, when's the first time you had sex, how many guys have you been with, what's your favorite position etc" or something like that...
I'm not the prudest person in the world (okay maybe I am. LOL) and I don't mind talking to my friends about sex but from a complete creepy stranger that really pissed me off.. so I messaged him back and told him "Heres what I don't like: Guys like you. Don't contact me again"
I thought he got the point until he called again last night.This is like 2-3 months later.
I received a blocked call in the middle of the night and when I picked up the caller hung up. I thought it was kind of weird but maybe my mom called on accident cause our house number in blocked.
Anyway, 10 minutes later he called again.
"Hello???"
"Hi Cat"
"Who's this?"
"Um.. ummmm... it's me.. David.. the guy you don't like... I just called cause I was near your place.. umm what's up with you?"
"Um. Why are you calling me? Do you know what time it is? What do you want?"
"Ehh well I just wanted to talk to you. You know? I feel bad, dont want it to end the way it did, I was inappropriate, I didn't know you would get so pissed, I'm sorry"
"Why are you calling me this late?? I have school.. and why'd you call and hang up earlier"
"Oh um.. my phone died earlier. I'm by your place.. wanted to see you, do you want to get something to eat?"
"NO, don't call me this late"
"Are you.. sure..? Let's get somethign to eat"
-- i started to get really mad --
"No, don't fucking call me this late with a blocked number!"
"Yeah but.. i'm by your place. I wanted to stop by or something. Maybe we can do something"
"I HAVE SCHOOL"
"Okay I'm sorry"
"I'm going back to sleep. BYE"
I got off the phone and guess what happened 10 minutes later? He called AGAIN... I was saying "Hello???" and all he did was just stay on the other line breathing. I hung up and he called again.. this time I answered with "What the fuck is your problem??" and he hung up.
WHAT A CREEP. I honestly thought he was going to come knocking on my door and do something stupid and I have no gangster / exfighter friends in LA to call in times like these. I was so freaked out... in fact while I called my friend to tell him what happened I was almost going to cry because I know just how easy it is to break my door down! omg.
So I finally went to sleep after talking to two friends... I realized the first one I called doesn't even live in California so that wasn't very comforting LOL so I called my other friend and my friend couldn't pick me up cause he just sold his car n was carless but he calmed me down and talked me to sleep for half an hour. :(
I slept with my pepper spray that Danny got for me and the whole time I was kinda afraid I'd accidentally unlock it in my sleep and spray myself LOL
Anyway, everything turned out okay but at the time I was really freaked out. Ugh. No wonder I've been avoiding guys like a plague.. -___-
Thursday, October 9, 2008
PMS?
I need a hug today :(
It's strange how easily I could access a genuine hug back in HI.. from a variety of sources.. and how hard it is in a relatively new place since I haven't really found anyone I really trust and relate to out here. It's hard to meet people (that I like) cause I only go from home to school... then school to home. and I've pretty much dismissed the idea of ever finding anyone worth hanging out with in college.. at least for now anyway.
But yeah.. Today I feel the need to get a big, long hug from someone I love and trust today and right now that is not accessible :( I'm so stressed from school (had exams every single day so far), lacking forms of entertainment and relief, frustrated sometimes from the lack of freedom, and also concerned about the future of our economy and how my friends and family and myself are going to cope with this recession.
Things have always gone remarkably my way throughout my life and lately there seems so be so many annoying problems that come up... minor shit like things I order not working properly or something in the house needing fixing etc. I have to take care of everything on my own!! uggh.
Today I'm irritable cause I have another exam tomorrow, I can't sleep even though I want to switch my schedule from sleeping at 2 to sleeping around 10... and I can't get a hug from someone I actually admire and like.
I'm tired of dealing with all the dumbasses at school that try to talk to me.. I'm tired of having to dumb myself down to converse with these idiots to avoid seeming rude.. Tired of meeting a hot guy then getting disappointed then completely turned off by how... dumb they are, and tired of fake, superficial people with no depth whatsoever that think they are so smart cause of the minor level of manipulation they can pull on others even dumber than they.
This one I usually put up with pretty well but right now it's irritating me as well: Tired of others who try to use me for whatever reasons for their own benefit and then try to make it seem like it is for my own benefit... and don't realize I see through their bullshit. If you want me to do you a favor or want me to impress a friend of yours or want me to help with something: just ask... leave the theatrics for someone else.
Life is really meaningless. It just drags on and on. There's no point to it but people try to find a meaning to their life. Or live a "fulfilling" one through helping others or god or other shit. Life is just life. You live, you grow, you fuck, you get old and you die. That's that. Oh yeah, somewhere between you fucking and you dying, you hopefully reproduce so that the human race can survive to continue this endless cycle ;)
I know, I know. I'm not usually this pessimistic but I think I'm pretty real.. and as far as my knowledge goes, accurate. I think people have high expectations of life... that life is supposed to be always joyful and pleasurable and fun.. it's not. If it were, there would be no poverty and evil and bullshit... oh and no school or work either. we'd all be running around naked like adam and eve in the garden of eden if it were meant to be this amazing journey of ecstasy.
My old professor was right.. all these things invented to make life easier just complicates things.. sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to just live a simple, normal life all the way through. I don't think that'd ever really be possible for me though.. once you have a taste of something different you can never really go back.. you'd always have something to compare it to and it'd be too boring. While things can only get so boring.. everyone always pushes their limit as to what's the ultimate fun.. but fun has it's limit too. And it's usually alot short lived than boredom :(
I think I think too much. 90% of the other people I know that also think too much are addicted to either drugs or drinking if not both. It's a shame, they're some of the most brilliant people but I think they do so to stop thinking. Some people drink to be cool, some to be able to act as dumb as they want without taking responsibility for their actions, and others to forget. I'm now over that phase and although it's so easy to get back into it nothing good really comes out of it.. Even though partying is an easy way to forget everything and take your mind off of stuff, after it's all over, if you don't die from overdosing, you're still left with the same problems.. if not more (actually, usually more)! I like solutions not temporary fixes. pun not intended..
I think, I am too responsible and like couple people mentioned to me my "head is screwed on straight"... too straight. Life's easier when you just don't give a shit!
Oh well. In a couple days, if not one I'll be happy again.. until the next time I'm stressed out, irritable, pmsing and in need of a hug and can't get one, that is. haha. Maybe I'm the one that's bipolar! =P Usually, when I'm feeling down, I get my hug and I'm happy. hahha. mmmph oh well... time will bring my LA hugs :)
It's strange how easily I could access a genuine hug back in HI.. from a variety of sources.. and how hard it is in a relatively new place since I haven't really found anyone I really trust and relate to out here. It's hard to meet people (that I like) cause I only go from home to school... then school to home. and I've pretty much dismissed the idea of ever finding anyone worth hanging out with in college.. at least for now anyway.
But yeah.. Today I feel the need to get a big, long hug from someone I love and trust today and right now that is not accessible :( I'm so stressed from school (had exams every single day so far), lacking forms of entertainment and relief, frustrated sometimes from the lack of freedom, and also concerned about the future of our economy and how my friends and family and myself are going to cope with this recession.
Things have always gone remarkably my way throughout my life and lately there seems so be so many annoying problems that come up... minor shit like things I order not working properly or something in the house needing fixing etc. I have to take care of everything on my own!! uggh.
Today I'm irritable cause I have another exam tomorrow, I can't sleep even though I want to switch my schedule from sleeping at 2 to sleeping around 10... and I can't get a hug from someone I actually admire and like.
I'm tired of dealing with all the dumbasses at school that try to talk to me.. I'm tired of having to dumb myself down to converse with these idiots to avoid seeming rude.. Tired of meeting a hot guy then getting disappointed then completely turned off by how... dumb they are, and tired of fake, superficial people with no depth whatsoever that think they are so smart cause of the minor level of manipulation they can pull on others even dumber than they.
This one I usually put up with pretty well but right now it's irritating me as well: Tired of others who try to use me for whatever reasons for their own benefit and then try to make it seem like it is for my own benefit... and don't realize I see through their bullshit. If you want me to do you a favor or want me to impress a friend of yours or want me to help with something: just ask... leave the theatrics for someone else.
Life is really meaningless. It just drags on and on. There's no point to it but people try to find a meaning to their life. Or live a "fulfilling" one through helping others or god or other shit. Life is just life. You live, you grow, you fuck, you get old and you die. That's that. Oh yeah, somewhere between you fucking and you dying, you hopefully reproduce so that the human race can survive to continue this endless cycle ;)
I know, I know. I'm not usually this pessimistic but I think I'm pretty real.. and as far as my knowledge goes, accurate. I think people have high expectations of life... that life is supposed to be always joyful and pleasurable and fun.. it's not. If it were, there would be no poverty and evil and bullshit... oh and no school or work either. we'd all be running around naked like adam and eve in the garden of eden if it were meant to be this amazing journey of ecstasy.
My old professor was right.. all these things invented to make life easier just complicates things.. sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to just live a simple, normal life all the way through. I don't think that'd ever really be possible for me though.. once you have a taste of something different you can never really go back.. you'd always have something to compare it to and it'd be too boring. While things can only get so boring.. everyone always pushes their limit as to what's the ultimate fun.. but fun has it's limit too. And it's usually alot short lived than boredom :(
I think I think too much. 90% of the other people I know that also think too much are addicted to either drugs or drinking if not both. It's a shame, they're some of the most brilliant people but I think they do so to stop thinking. Some people drink to be cool, some to be able to act as dumb as they want without taking responsibility for their actions, and others to forget. I'm now over that phase and although it's so easy to get back into it nothing good really comes out of it.. Even though partying is an easy way to forget everything and take your mind off of stuff, after it's all over, if you don't die from overdosing, you're still left with the same problems.. if not more (actually, usually more)! I like solutions not temporary fixes. pun not intended..
I think, I am too responsible and like couple people mentioned to me my "head is screwed on straight"... too straight. Life's easier when you just don't give a shit!
Oh well. In a couple days, if not one I'll be happy again.. until the next time I'm stressed out, irritable, pmsing and in need of a hug and can't get one, that is. haha. Maybe I'm the one that's bipolar! =P Usually, when I'm feeling down, I get my hug and I'm happy. hahha. mmmph oh well... time will bring my LA hugs :)
Saturday, October 4, 2008
How Much TP?
So here's the deal... the toilet paper in our house has been going by reaaaaallly fast. So using the process of elimination, I had came to the hypothesis that my roommate uses way more toilet paper than necessary... because we went through 9 rolls of toilet paper in the last week! When I was living at my place alone... I probably used 1 roll a week! (But then again, I wasn't always home)...
anyway, since I'm the one who pretty much pays for EVERYthing in our house and I don't have a car to easily go to the store every week it was slightly bothering to keep buying so much freakin toilet paper... but it's also kind of awkward to tell someone "Hey, do you really have to wipe your ass THAT well???" lol so next time she mentioned something about toilet paper I just said "Yeah, WE go through it so fast" ... hahah apparently, she is aware of her overuse of toilet paper.
Cat
lol
i just had a discussion with my rooomate
about her toilet paper use
LOL
10:16
ZilviaS2odeT
hahaha
whatd she say?
10:16
Cat
i was like "damn we go through toilet paper so fast"
shes like "yeah i think i use too much... how much do you usually use after one pee?"
and i showed her and shes like yeah i use "this much"
shes like im gonna start using less toilet paper
LOL
thats gotta be the weirdest conversAtion i've ever had
10:17
ZilviaS2odeT
hahahaha
how much did she use?
10:17
Cat
like..
2 feet
for 1 pee!
i use like 4 squares hahaha
10:17
ZilviaS2odeT
lol
no actually it was more like 3 or 4 feet.. and i just pull it out til it looks like enough and ripped it.
LOL... college life leads to interesting self discovery.. I would have never thought about how I much sheets of toilet paper i use per pee. XD
anyway, since I'm the one who pretty much pays for EVERYthing in our house and I don't have a car to easily go to the store every week it was slightly bothering to keep buying so much freakin toilet paper... but it's also kind of awkward to tell someone "Hey, do you really have to wipe your ass THAT well???" lol so next time she mentioned something about toilet paper I just said "Yeah, WE go through it so fast" ... hahah apparently, she is aware of her overuse of toilet paper.
Cat
lol
i just had a discussion with my rooomate
about her toilet paper use
LOL
10:16
ZilviaS2odeT
hahaha
whatd she say?
10:16
Cat
i was like "damn we go through toilet paper so fast"
shes like "yeah i think i use too much... how much do you usually use after one pee?"
and i showed her and shes like yeah i use "this much"
shes like im gonna start using less toilet paper
LOL
thats gotta be the weirdest conversAtion i've ever had
10:17
ZilviaS2odeT
hahahaha
how much did she use?
10:17
Cat
like..
2 feet
for 1 pee!
i use like 4 squares hahaha
10:17
ZilviaS2odeT
lol
no actually it was more like 3 or 4 feet.. and i just pull it out til it looks like enough and ripped it.
LOL... college life leads to interesting self discovery.. I would have never thought about how I much sheets of toilet paper i use per pee. XD
Monday, September 22, 2008
Art of Wordplay
*This place sucks
-Good!
*Not good without you! When you come home I want to party at least one night, its more fun with the hottest smartest girl I know. I do a good job at flattery huh?
-Duh when you party with me you hang out with the hottest girls around. without me you hang out with a bunch of old delinquent geezers. I do a good job of telling the truth huh?
*I'm an old delinquent geezer too. I stay young because of you.
-You are who you hang around
*Then I'm the mayor!
-Mayor ass get blacker for going out
*Hey I'm bleaching it!
-It's beyond hope
*I'll see a plastic surgeon instead. He likes making me better! Stop banging on me
-I'm not. I don't bang ugly things. You know that.
*You making me self conscious. I'm so fagile
-Fag-ile is right
*Hey your being mean. Would you still love me if I was a fag
-Everybody loves fags
*I don't love queers. But I love lesbos.
-No wonder you hate yourself. Good thing ray is not your type. You'd make his ass red in the middle of the night
*Lol you are too funny!
-Good!
*Not good without you! When you come home I want to party at least one night, its more fun with the hottest smartest girl I know. I do a good job at flattery huh?
-Duh when you party with me you hang out with the hottest girls around. without me you hang out with a bunch of old delinquent geezers. I do a good job of telling the truth huh?
*I'm an old delinquent geezer too. I stay young because of you.
-You are who you hang around
*Then I'm the mayor!
-Mayor ass get blacker for going out
*Hey I'm bleaching it!
-It's beyond hope
*I'll see a plastic surgeon instead. He likes making me better! Stop banging on me
-I'm not. I don't bang ugly things. You know that.
*You making me self conscious. I'm so fagile
-Fag-ile is right
*Hey your being mean. Would you still love me if I was a fag
-Everybody loves fags
*I don't love queers. But I love lesbos.
-No wonder you hate yourself. Good thing ray is not your type. You'd make his ass red in the middle of the night
*Lol you are too funny!
Friday, August 29, 2008
xOxOxOOxOxOx
Hahha... School's started and I couldn't be happier. My professors are pleasantly brilliant, I absolutely love them... each have their own zest to them, completely different teaching styles and personalities and I adore it... adds variety to my day.
Political Science 51 is surprisingly hard.. alot of reading on philosophers.. currently reading Plato's "Republic". Which is... the first and easiest of many readings for the semester. Yikes.
I spend my days.... cooking, cleaning, organizing, contemplating, planning and of course, going to school and doing homework. I haven't bothered with my social life, in fact most days I only hang out with my roommate. I've gotten pretty good at a variety of dishes.. I made a kick ass chicken curry, various chicken dishes, chinese cabbage, and still working on perfecting my spaghetti. I finally made rice porridge.... that didn't turn to super bloated rice lol.
I stay home and read alot.... both for school and for leisure. I've barely stepped out of the vicinity of school and work. When I do, it's to shop for more food or books for school.
Strangely enough, I'm not bored. This is less company than I've probably ever had in my life and I'm content!
My friends have gotten a hint and I've probably gotten less than... 50 texts in the last week? That's crazy. I used to get at least that in one day!
I'm oddly calm... I don't feel a need to do something or achieve anything at the moment. Not to say I'm not ambitious about school, cause I definitely am! but I guess I feel like I'm doing what I should be doing right now and don't need to move or do something else.
I'm planning on studying abroad. As many time as I can. Maybe as soon as this winter to South Africa. Wtf, I know. s. Af is obviously not my first choice of destinations but choices at a CC are limited and s.Af happens to be the program that starts the soonest. It's also supposed to be a great program! S. Africa is also filled with all white people. ;)
I like Chinese class... my Chinese is much more advanced than those of my peers in Chi 1... but I need to take it cause I don't know my "bopomofo's" -- I don't know how to read or write Chinese. If it were just for the grade, I wouldn't care and would've just took Chi 2.. but I'm taking this for personal benefit and future business ammo :). I spend much of class helping others with their pronunciation and it's pretty fun actually. My teacher is Shanghainese... Shanghainese + being voluntary TA = prof loves ya. But then again, all my professors love me ;).
I'm going to start doing charity work. Looking at "Reading to Kids" right now... was gonna do LoveLA with Sung but idk... picking up trash and mingling with the homeless is really not my thing. I'm gonna join a club (Either Asian Student Association or Entrepreneur Club. Or both). I'm gonna train for swimming again and maybe join the swim team. Tho my athletic ability has definitely declined since I was last state champ hahaha. In a year, I may run for president. =P Should I rephrase that? "In a year, if I feel like it, I'm gonna Be president". Lol.. Okay, my cockiness has not changed much. hahaha.
I might've mentioned this before, I don't remember, but after SMC I'm going to either go to USC, UCLA or Pepperdine or something... oooorr go to NYU. We shall see :) I'd love to go to Wharton... is that after USC?
I have a hard time looking at my professors in class. Or rather, I find it easier to not look at them. All the poker and sales is still fresh in my mind and when I look at them I start focusing less on the lecture and more on psychoanalyzing them. It's a great thing my teachers are intelligent.. I have a hard time respecting and learning from people I think are dumb... like the professors in Hawaii.
:):)
DK is landing in... 1 hour? Yaay :) 10 days of company. One of the few people I don't mind spending 24/7 with. Okay. 22/7. =P
Must try to go to sleep... Fashion district today!! :) Ikea this weekend! 6 flags if it's still open! ^___^ Ranch99 to buy chicken bullion! San Gabriel for massage & kiwi drink!!
:):)
I love my life. All stages of it =P
Political Science 51 is surprisingly hard.. alot of reading on philosophers.. currently reading Plato's "Republic". Which is... the first and easiest of many readings for the semester. Yikes.
I spend my days.... cooking, cleaning, organizing, contemplating, planning and of course, going to school and doing homework. I haven't bothered with my social life, in fact most days I only hang out with my roommate. I've gotten pretty good at a variety of dishes.. I made a kick ass chicken curry, various chicken dishes, chinese cabbage, and still working on perfecting my spaghetti. I finally made rice porridge.... that didn't turn to super bloated rice lol.
I stay home and read alot.... both for school and for leisure. I've barely stepped out of the vicinity of school and work. When I do, it's to shop for more food or books for school.
Strangely enough, I'm not bored. This is less company than I've probably ever had in my life and I'm content!
My friends have gotten a hint and I've probably gotten less than... 50 texts in the last week? That's crazy. I used to get at least that in one day!
I'm oddly calm... I don't feel a need to do something or achieve anything at the moment. Not to say I'm not ambitious about school, cause I definitely am! but I guess I feel like I'm doing what I should be doing right now and don't need to move or do something else.
I'm planning on studying abroad. As many time as I can. Maybe as soon as this winter to South Africa. Wtf, I know. s. Af is obviously not my first choice of destinations but choices at a CC are limited and s.Af happens to be the program that starts the soonest. It's also supposed to be a great program! S. Africa is also filled with all white people. ;)
I like Chinese class... my Chinese is much more advanced than those of my peers in Chi 1... but I need to take it cause I don't know my "bopomofo's" -- I don't know how to read or write Chinese. If it were just for the grade, I wouldn't care and would've just took Chi 2.. but I'm taking this for personal benefit and future business ammo :). I spend much of class helping others with their pronunciation and it's pretty fun actually. My teacher is Shanghainese... Shanghainese + being voluntary TA = prof loves ya. But then again, all my professors love me ;).
I'm going to start doing charity work. Looking at "Reading to Kids" right now... was gonna do LoveLA with Sung but idk... picking up trash and mingling with the homeless is really not my thing. I'm gonna join a club (Either Asian Student Association or Entrepreneur Club. Or both). I'm gonna train for swimming again and maybe join the swim team. Tho my athletic ability has definitely declined since I was last state champ hahaha. In a year, I may run for president. =P Should I rephrase that? "In a year, if I feel like it, I'm gonna Be president". Lol.. Okay, my cockiness has not changed much. hahaha.
I might've mentioned this before, I don't remember, but after SMC I'm going to either go to USC, UCLA or Pepperdine or something... oooorr go to NYU. We shall see :) I'd love to go to Wharton... is that after USC?
I have a hard time looking at my professors in class. Or rather, I find it easier to not look at them. All the poker and sales is still fresh in my mind and when I look at them I start focusing less on the lecture and more on psychoanalyzing them. It's a great thing my teachers are intelligent.. I have a hard time respecting and learning from people I think are dumb... like the professors in Hawaii.
:):)
DK is landing in... 1 hour? Yaay :) 10 days of company. One of the few people I don't mind spending 24/7 with. Okay. 22/7. =P
Must try to go to sleep... Fashion district today!! :) Ikea this weekend! 6 flags if it's still open! ^___^ Ranch99 to buy chicken bullion! San Gabriel for massage & kiwi drink!!
:):)
I love my life. All stages of it =P
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Gettin Old
oh god... i am getting old :(:(:( no more crazy cat...
I hate clubbing more and more... once in a while is ok, everyweek SUCKS!! I practically have to be dragged out... even in vegas!!
I hardly EVER stay out past 2... and if I do all I wanna do is go home. I like being in my home... when did this happen??
I have less and less tolerance for people I don't like... and I can see myself being more and more reluctant to dress provocatively... couple more years and I'm going to be dressed entirely um... classy and not slutty.. what is happening to me! hahha wtf
At this moment I can still dress like a ho and I can have tub parties with my girls (hahaha) but I can FEEL myself edging closer to getting... idk.. boring hahaha.
IM NOT OLD ENOUGH TO REALIZE PARTYING IS A WASTE OF TIME!! damn it! I should be partying my ass off without a care in the world right now. wtf...
honestly all I wanna do recently is start school again, learn alot, go grocery shopping so I can experiment cooking different dishes and eat, and organize my house and my belongings and maybe read a little bit. WTF!! whats wrong! this is not me! ORGANIZE??? for no reason?? what??
I'm so confused with myself. I thought I loved partying. Does this happen to everyone? Cause apparently this hasn't happened to all of my old (aged) friends. hahah.
Oh. what I'm really wondering is: Is this just a phase or is this permanent?? I'm not even legal yet... how can I be sick of everything!?
I hate clubbing more and more... once in a while is ok, everyweek SUCKS!! I practically have to be dragged out... even in vegas!!
I hardly EVER stay out past 2... and if I do all I wanna do is go home. I like being in my home... when did this happen??
I have less and less tolerance for people I don't like... and I can see myself being more and more reluctant to dress provocatively... couple more years and I'm going to be dressed entirely um... classy and not slutty.. what is happening to me! hahha wtf
At this moment I can still dress like a ho and I can have tub parties with my girls (hahaha) but I can FEEL myself edging closer to getting... idk.. boring hahaha.
IM NOT OLD ENOUGH TO REALIZE PARTYING IS A WASTE OF TIME!! damn it! I should be partying my ass off without a care in the world right now. wtf...
honestly all I wanna do recently is start school again, learn alot, go grocery shopping so I can experiment cooking different dishes and eat, and organize my house and my belongings and maybe read a little bit. WTF!! whats wrong! this is not me! ORGANIZE??? for no reason?? what??
I'm so confused with myself. I thought I loved partying. Does this happen to everyone? Cause apparently this hasn't happened to all of my old (aged) friends. hahah.
Oh. what I'm really wondering is: Is this just a phase or is this permanent?? I'm not even legal yet... how can I be sick of everything!?
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Closed
Moving to LA has been one of the best decisions of my life so far... I would regret that I took so long to finally move but I guess I wasn't ready yet. :)
Vacationing in Hawaii for the last two weeks made me realize.... nothing really. Cause nothing's changed here in the slightest bit.
School has enlightened me. I love it... I never ever ever in a million years would I have thought I would love school but I'm actually really looking forward to start school again. I'm thinking of going to law school... but that's a long time from now.
My health is also great... It freakin should be considering the lengths that I go through to ensure it.. I had EVERYTHING checked here.. All of my blood tests came back perfectly.. Livers great, hearts great, the other 20 things on the list were great... went to the dermatologist for my scab thing and she said nothings wrong with me. I would've probably taken an std test too but I don't have sex so that's not necessary. hahaha. I don't know why I'm so anal about my diet and my health but I am.
I used to love change, and still do, but I'm also liking the stability I've come to have now. Life was SO unstable a year ago. Didn't know what the hell I was doing, what I wanted, or anything, really. I didn't realize I was so lost. I finally realize what my mom meant.. "ha fon ma e ze uh" haha vaguely translated to mean mean having wild crazy fun is pointless. Fun wasn't fun anymore after a while =P.
I think, when the time is right, the right things will come... :)
The older I get, the less tolerance I have for bullshit. I can't run away fast enough from mentally unstable people.. Having one around was good enough for the rest of my life. Learned my lesson... I was stubborn not listening to anyone saying it will only harm me and there's nothing I can do to change it.. and everyone was right. No matter how much good you do for those people or how much you care (heaven forbid you actually get close enough get emotionally attached..) when the time comes and it really comes down to it... they won't remember because they will convince themselves otherwise. I'm an extremely logical person and when it comes to them.... there is just no logic in their thinking. It's sad cause sometimes I really see a good person and other times I truly fear for my safety in their presence. I don't understand how it works and the time has finally come that I really don't care and don't want to bother to change it. The bad has outweighed the good for so long and it's really time to cut my losses... I usually have no problems whatsoever with that but idk. Something hit a weak spot in this case. This time, it's truly over..
Vacationing in Hawaii for the last two weeks made me realize.... nothing really. Cause nothing's changed here in the slightest bit.
School has enlightened me. I love it... I never ever ever in a million years would I have thought I would love school but I'm actually really looking forward to start school again. I'm thinking of going to law school... but that's a long time from now.
My health is also great... It freakin should be considering the lengths that I go through to ensure it.. I had EVERYTHING checked here.. All of my blood tests came back perfectly.. Livers great, hearts great, the other 20 things on the list were great... went to the dermatologist for my scab thing and she said nothings wrong with me. I would've probably taken an std test too but I don't have sex so that's not necessary. hahaha. I don't know why I'm so anal about my diet and my health but I am.
I used to love change, and still do, but I'm also liking the stability I've come to have now. Life was SO unstable a year ago. Didn't know what the hell I was doing, what I wanted, or anything, really. I didn't realize I was so lost. I finally realize what my mom meant.. "ha fon ma e ze uh" haha vaguely translated to mean mean having wild crazy fun is pointless. Fun wasn't fun anymore after a while =P.
I think, when the time is right, the right things will come... :)
The older I get, the less tolerance I have for bullshit. I can't run away fast enough from mentally unstable people.. Having one around was good enough for the rest of my life. Learned my lesson... I was stubborn not listening to anyone saying it will only harm me and there's nothing I can do to change it.. and everyone was right. No matter how much good you do for those people or how much you care (heaven forbid you actually get close enough get emotionally attached..) when the time comes and it really comes down to it... they won't remember because they will convince themselves otherwise. I'm an extremely logical person and when it comes to them.... there is just no logic in their thinking. It's sad cause sometimes I really see a good person and other times I truly fear for my safety in their presence. I don't understand how it works and the time has finally come that I really don't care and don't want to bother to change it. The bad has outweighed the good for so long and it's really time to cut my losses... I usually have no problems whatsoever with that but idk. Something hit a weak spot in this case. This time, it's truly over..
Friday, July 25, 2008
Happy
hmmm so looking back on my blogs... looks like everything I predicted came true :) both the good and the somewhat not so great... which is a great thing!
I've been trying to live life somewhat simple (in my standards anyway haha) :) No superstar lifestyle just yet. School it great, it keeps me grounded. I've realized that I've been living with a lot of emphasis on being grounded.. which is a very recent development starting this year. Having something to compare with the awesomeness I'm lucky enough to get to experience so that I can fully experience the awesomeness when it occurs. Does that make sense?? It's like.. you don't know just how great good food is until you eat crap food.
Being well rounded has always been my thing but now more than ever :).
Someone once tried to psychoanalyze me and find the reason behind my many travels last year. "Are you trying to run away from something?"
At the time I was like umm, no I just like to travel. But looking back, I guess he was (partly) right. I will always have the love of travel but I no longer want the extremes of being gone 9 months out of the year. LA feels much more like home than Hawaii ever did hehe. I'd say I actually enjoy the company of about 1 out of 3 people I meet or at least find them interesting compared to the 1 out of... um 30 in Hawaii. Although I was not running away from a troubling life or anything close to what he thought, I was running away from a unfulfilling life style. It was the constant urge to get off the damn island and grow!
Goes back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs; something you learn in psychology
I had everything on the bottom of the pyramid... basic needs, safety, well loved, maybe over esteemed but I was not "the best I could possibly be" and although I'm still far from it, it's no longer stumped which makes me feel g.r.e.a.t. ! :)
I would never ever ever ever ever raise my kids in Hawaii. It's amazing if anyone can turn even a LITTLE bit ambitious coming from there... it's against all odds! Thank god I got to travel when I was younger and my parents were fob enough to keep me away from being "local"
Anyway gotta finish this later -
Just for reference
According to Maslow, the tendencies of self-actualizing people are as follows:
1. Awareness
* efficient perception of reality
* freshness of appreciation
* peak experiences
* ethical awareness
2. Honesty
* philosophical sense of humour
* social interest
* deep interpersonal relationships
* democratic character structure
3. Freedom
* need for solitude
* autonomous, independent
* creativity, originality
* spontaneous
4. Trust
* problem centered
* acceptance of self, others, nature
* resistance to enculturation - identity with humanity
or go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hierarchy_of_needs :)
I've been trying to live life somewhat simple (in my standards anyway haha) :) No superstar lifestyle just yet. School it great, it keeps me grounded. I've realized that I've been living with a lot of emphasis on being grounded.. which is a very recent development starting this year. Having something to compare with the awesomeness I'm lucky enough to get to experience so that I can fully experience the awesomeness when it occurs. Does that make sense?? It's like.. you don't know just how great good food is until you eat crap food.
Being well rounded has always been my thing but now more than ever :).
Someone once tried to psychoanalyze me and find the reason behind my many travels last year. "Are you trying to run away from something?"
At the time I was like umm, no I just like to travel. But looking back, I guess he was (partly) right. I will always have the love of travel but I no longer want the extremes of being gone 9 months out of the year. LA feels much more like home than Hawaii ever did hehe. I'd say I actually enjoy the company of about 1 out of 3 people I meet or at least find them interesting compared to the 1 out of... um 30 in Hawaii. Although I was not running away from a troubling life or anything close to what he thought, I was running away from a unfulfilling life style. It was the constant urge to get off the damn island and grow!
Goes back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs; something you learn in psychology
I had everything on the bottom of the pyramid... basic needs, safety, well loved, maybe over esteemed but I was not "the best I could possibly be" and although I'm still far from it, it's no longer stumped which makes me feel g.r.e.a.t. ! :)
I would never ever ever ever ever raise my kids in Hawaii. It's amazing if anyone can turn even a LITTLE bit ambitious coming from there... it's against all odds! Thank god I got to travel when I was younger and my parents were fob enough to keep me away from being "local"
Anyway gotta finish this later -
Just for reference
According to Maslow, the tendencies of self-actualizing people are as follows:
1. Awareness
* efficient perception of reality
* freshness of appreciation
* peak experiences
* ethical awareness
2. Honesty
* philosophical sense of humour
* social interest
* deep interpersonal relationships
* democratic character structure
3. Freedom
* need for solitude
* autonomous, independent
* creativity, originality
* spontaneous
4. Trust
* problem centered
* acceptance of self, others, nature
* resistance to enculturation - identity with humanity
or go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hierarchy_of_needs :)
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Since I'm in a writing mood after writing for 8 hours...
Here's some random, funny shit that I've been thinking about lately... haha
I don't know what's worse... having lots of visitors or not having any at all. On one hand, it's great seeing good friends and having company 24/7... on the other hand, by the time they leave and go to the airport, I want to cry! Makes me wondering what the hell I'm doing moving here all by myself and going to SCHOOOL of all things haha. I'm by myself so much now and although for the most part I don't hate it.. but when good company comes to town like a few have come recently it gives me something to compare with so by the time they leave I want to tie them down and throw them in my closet so they can't leave me lol.
Ok, not that bad, I'm not THAT crazy =D I guess it'll be better when I start finding people I actually like... more specifically GIRL friends. haha. There's a few guys I've met here that are awesome.. but I've had like NO girls in my life cept for a few really young ones from school that I can't relate to whatsoever. I had one girl over and all she could talk about was "LIKE Oh my god I HAVE to go to that party! Like OMG!". I think my IQ went down a few notches just from listening to her call her friends tryna get invited for a party for 2 hours. The rest I met are brainless sluts at clubs... I don't mind slutty clubbers but they have to have a brain haha. I think I'm just used to people hanging around all day just chillin and I don't have that here! Hmm... at least when people come over they fill my fridge with bottled water, take me to do laundry, do random household chores for me, then leave me with a fridge full of take out when they leave lol. They all came extremely close to missing their flight.. but didn't (damn haha).
My roommate seems to have her own K drama going on next door... haha. The first time she brought people over it was two guys.. They hung out and ate with her.. The next day one of the guys came over and stood outside talking to her for like... an hour and a half. Then the next day the OTHER guy came. I guess guy 1 got blown off and guy 2 won cause he is over alot more now... but sheesh at least let the other guy come in and sit down and talk to you... haha. It's kind of funny cause I have to come to my own conclusions what's going on cause none of them speak english! Everyone seems to be pimpin... except for me ;)
It also sucks when I'm the cleanest person in my household... I'm extremely anal but back home I was never the one who had to clean much... but if others leave the place dirty... I'm the one who ends up cleaning it cause if I don't, no one else will! Wtf. It also occurred to me that one of these days I'm gonna have to clean the toilet.... wow, I'm not looking forward to that day. The current roommate is not THAT bad but I know the one coming in August is REALLY irresponsible.. she's going to drive me nuts.. great!
This roommate also leaves her pubes everywhere as Henry kindly pointed out to me. haha. It's all over the bathroom, on my brand new couch the day after I got it and the other day I found pubes on my brand new bed... and um.. I don't have any pubes. WTF?? There's also stray hairs everywhere in the carpet that aren't mine cause I just moved here and my hair is longer and thinner. -____-
Oh yeah. Besides the fact that no one else should have sex on my furniture other than me, they better not have sex on my couch or my futon before I do! And I'm going to be celebate for a very long time... Pubes is already gross, if I find cum stains on my bean bag I'm going to kill someone!
I guess this is "college life".
-__-
Okay, okay, despite all that, I'm really not that miserable. I've been really happy. I LOVE it here :) There's just a few minor tweaks and changes that will come in time that will make it even better... In Hawaii, I always had the urge to get away thus, all the trips I took. Here, I'm content where I am.. I'm in no rush to go anywhere, anytime soon! However, I'm thinking of going back to Hawaii for a week or so in August after summer school. Although I don't really WANT to be back there's some stuff to take care of plus I can work a bit and I gotta get Bebe to the vet.. Plus I miss my bitches :). My brain-ed bitches lol.
I love my room now... it's pimped out! All that's missing now is a Pimp Mirror which I will get as soon as I find one I like :) THANK YOU DANNY ^_^ i absolutely LOVE my whiteboard/shelf thing on the wall... good thing I thought of it ;) haha. We somehow got everything to fit in my closet!
Can you believe SMC students pay $20 a class to go to SMC? I'M PAYING 10 FREGGEN GRAND A YEAR! For city college! Blah. I guess it's good.. makes me appreciate it, otherwise I probably would have dropped out by now haha. At least by paying more, I feel as if I am getting a better education... LOL. which I am, compared to KCC... though HPU was pretty great too.. judging from the very short time that I spent there haha. But that was expensive too. haha.
I'm hoping that I do well the next year at SMC and graduate deans list but only time will tell. If I do, I want to transfer to Wharton in PA. Or maybe NYU cause I love NY. I found out that residency in CA really doesn't make that much of a difference for UCLA or Berkeley and I figure by the time two years roll by, I'll have had enough of LA.. Shit, I've been here for less than 2 months and I've already gone to most of the areas that seem to be so popular... And sometime inbetween or after that I want to spent at least a few months out of country... Either studying abroad or just fucking around during a summer. *sigggh* I would have never imagine I'd have somewhat of a plan for myself other than where I'm going to party the next day!
I'm dying to get out of this country... After I conquest LA & New York there are really no other cities I care to explore in the US. They're all pretty much the same. SF was boring as hell.. and Vegas gets old.. QUICK! Maybe check out Boston & Chicago but I don't think I'd ever want to live there..
Shanghai... HK, Japan, Korea, ALL OVER Europe, Vietnam, Thailand, Egypt, Australia.. So many things I want to do, can't do them fast enough! I wonder where I'll ultimately end up after I've done my share of world exploration.. I was thinking, in English class, that I after I've made my millions and done what I want, all I really want to do when I'm old and wrinkled is sit in a park bench and chill with my equally old and wrinkled significant other and live a simple life. LOL. But who knows... that's a long time from now.
Although, I don't regret the trips I've taken, I wish I went out of country more!! Would have cost the same... or less lol. But idk, guess it's good too. The older I get, the more I experience or notice everywhere I go. I'm dyyyying to go back to Shanghai.. That is 1 on the list. Maybe winter break?? A month long vaca to Shanghai is something I REALLY want... more than any other material thing I want or have!
Ok enough.. I gotta get to sleep :] English midterm tomorrow.. spent 8 hours pulling an essay out of my ass but it came out surprisingly good after some revisions. 2nd essay I've written in 4 years lol. *sigh* This weekend I'll be catching up on all the Anthropology studying that I haven't been doing.. I don't think I can get an A in the class but I'm hoping for a B! We will see.. damn.. all I really want to learn about is business, marketing, advertising, psychology and economics... Why, why, why must they throw in all this essay writing and science bs! :]
I don't know what's worse... having lots of visitors or not having any at all. On one hand, it's great seeing good friends and having company 24/7... on the other hand, by the time they leave and go to the airport, I want to cry! Makes me wondering what the hell I'm doing moving here all by myself and going to SCHOOOL of all things haha. I'm by myself so much now and although for the most part I don't hate it.. but when good company comes to town like a few have come recently it gives me something to compare with so by the time they leave I want to tie them down and throw them in my closet so they can't leave me lol.
Ok, not that bad, I'm not THAT crazy =D I guess it'll be better when I start finding people I actually like... more specifically GIRL friends. haha. There's a few guys I've met here that are awesome.. but I've had like NO girls in my life cept for a few really young ones from school that I can't relate to whatsoever. I had one girl over and all she could talk about was "LIKE Oh my god I HAVE to go to that party! Like OMG!". I think my IQ went down a few notches just from listening to her call her friends tryna get invited for a party for 2 hours. The rest I met are brainless sluts at clubs... I don't mind slutty clubbers but they have to have a brain haha. I think I'm just used to people hanging around all day just chillin and I don't have that here! Hmm... at least when people come over they fill my fridge with bottled water, take me to do laundry, do random household chores for me, then leave me with a fridge full of take out when they leave lol. They all came extremely close to missing their flight.. but didn't (damn haha).
My roommate seems to have her own K drama going on next door... haha. The first time she brought people over it was two guys.. They hung out and ate with her.. The next day one of the guys came over and stood outside talking to her for like... an hour and a half. Then the next day the OTHER guy came. I guess guy 1 got blown off and guy 2 won cause he is over alot more now... but sheesh at least let the other guy come in and sit down and talk to you... haha. It's kind of funny cause I have to come to my own conclusions what's going on cause none of them speak english! Everyone seems to be pimpin... except for me ;)
It also sucks when I'm the cleanest person in my household... I'm extremely anal but back home I was never the one who had to clean much... but if others leave the place dirty... I'm the one who ends up cleaning it cause if I don't, no one else will! Wtf. It also occurred to me that one of these days I'm gonna have to clean the toilet.... wow, I'm not looking forward to that day. The current roommate is not THAT bad but I know the one coming in August is REALLY irresponsible.. she's going to drive me nuts.. great!
This roommate also leaves her pubes everywhere as Henry kindly pointed out to me. haha. It's all over the bathroom, on my brand new couch the day after I got it and the other day I found pubes on my brand new bed... and um.. I don't have any pubes. WTF?? There's also stray hairs everywhere in the carpet that aren't mine cause I just moved here and my hair is longer and thinner. -____-
Oh yeah. Besides the fact that no one else should have sex on my furniture other than me, they better not have sex on my couch or my futon before I do! And I'm going to be celebate for a very long time... Pubes is already gross, if I find cum stains on my bean bag I'm going to kill someone!
I guess this is "college life".
-__-
Okay, okay, despite all that, I'm really not that miserable. I've been really happy. I LOVE it here :) There's just a few minor tweaks and changes that will come in time that will make it even better... In Hawaii, I always had the urge to get away thus, all the trips I took. Here, I'm content where I am.. I'm in no rush to go anywhere, anytime soon! However, I'm thinking of going back to Hawaii for a week or so in August after summer school. Although I don't really WANT to be back there's some stuff to take care of plus I can work a bit and I gotta get Bebe to the vet.. Plus I miss my bitches :). My brain-ed bitches lol.
I love my room now... it's pimped out! All that's missing now is a Pimp Mirror which I will get as soon as I find one I like :) THANK YOU DANNY ^_^ i absolutely LOVE my whiteboard/shelf thing on the wall... good thing I thought of it ;) haha. We somehow got everything to fit in my closet!
Can you believe SMC students pay $20 a class to go to SMC? I'M PAYING 10 FREGGEN GRAND A YEAR! For city college! Blah. I guess it's good.. makes me appreciate it, otherwise I probably would have dropped out by now haha. At least by paying more, I feel as if I am getting a better education... LOL. which I am, compared to KCC... though HPU was pretty great too.. judging from the very short time that I spent there haha. But that was expensive too. haha.
I'm hoping that I do well the next year at SMC and graduate deans list but only time will tell. If I do, I want to transfer to Wharton in PA. Or maybe NYU cause I love NY. I found out that residency in CA really doesn't make that much of a difference for UCLA or Berkeley and I figure by the time two years roll by, I'll have had enough of LA.. Shit, I've been here for less than 2 months and I've already gone to most of the areas that seem to be so popular... And sometime inbetween or after that I want to spent at least a few months out of country... Either studying abroad or just fucking around during a summer. *sigggh* I would have never imagine I'd have somewhat of a plan for myself other than where I'm going to party the next day!
I'm dying to get out of this country... After I conquest LA & New York there are really no other cities I care to explore in the US. They're all pretty much the same. SF was boring as hell.. and Vegas gets old.. QUICK! Maybe check out Boston & Chicago but I don't think I'd ever want to live there..
Shanghai... HK, Japan, Korea, ALL OVER Europe, Vietnam, Thailand, Egypt, Australia.. So many things I want to do, can't do them fast enough! I wonder where I'll ultimately end up after I've done my share of world exploration.. I was thinking, in English class, that I after I've made my millions and done what I want, all I really want to do when I'm old and wrinkled is sit in a park bench and chill with my equally old and wrinkled significant other and live a simple life. LOL. But who knows... that's a long time from now.
Although, I don't regret the trips I've taken, I wish I went out of country more!! Would have cost the same... or less lol. But idk, guess it's good too. The older I get, the more I experience or notice everywhere I go. I'm dyyyying to go back to Shanghai.. That is 1 on the list. Maybe winter break?? A month long vaca to Shanghai is something I REALLY want... more than any other material thing I want or have!
Ok enough.. I gotta get to sleep :] English midterm tomorrow.. spent 8 hours pulling an essay out of my ass but it came out surprisingly good after some revisions. 2nd essay I've written in 4 years lol. *sigh* This weekend I'll be catching up on all the Anthropology studying that I haven't been doing.. I don't think I can get an A in the class but I'm hoping for a B! We will see.. damn.. all I really want to learn about is business, marketing, advertising, psychology and economics... Why, why, why must they throw in all this essay writing and science bs! :]
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Sex Drive
I'M OUTTTAAAA HERE!!!!!!!!
Gosh, I'm so excited!! I think it finally hit me that I'm REALLY moving! For good! And I'm more than likely never coming back! Ahhh! I can feel it.... like the LIFE in me is slowly creeping back..! For TOO LONG I've been hibernating... I've only been like 10% of the highly energized, high spirited, enthusiastic, AMBITIOUS person that I really am... As much as I love it, Hawaii is really the crab bucket. There's NO WHERE TO GO and everyone wants to keep you down with them.. Well... I'm finally OUT!
I really don't know why it's taken so long. I guess it's just I was so comfortable and taking the first step is always the hardest. Also, before I had no real REASON to move and it's always hard to start over... but I forgot how EXCITING and FUN it can be! How can I explain to someone who doesn't know what this really feels like for me..???
Okay, this might be a weird example but it was like a guy who's been in a long relationship and little by little he got less and less sex and little by little he lost his sex drive until he was just.... suppressed. Like, he knows he's supposed to have sex and want it as well, right? He remembers having it before and knows it feels DAMN GOOD but it's just been so long he kinda forgot just HOW good it was and has just slowly unwillingly accepted this unfulfilling reality cause there really wasn't much other choices around and he was comfortable with his chick so just never did anything about it.
Well, NO MORE! One day that guy woke up and thought, "geez, what the fuck am I doing?? I need to break up with this bitch and get out there, I'm wasting the prime of my life doing JACK SHIT!!" and he finally goes out and at first it feels kinda awkward at first cause he hasn't been in the game for a while... but aHA! he gets his first fuck in a long time and AH! It's like the first hit for a crack addict and from there he just takes off and fucks everything in sight and feels like he's a teenager again. Life is great!!
Guys, do you know what I'm talking about? I'm not talking to the guys who don't get laid in the first place of course cause... well, obviously you WOULDN'T know but to the ones that do... ISN'T IT THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
So, metaphorically speaking, I GOT MY SEX DRIVE BACK!! CHEEEEHEEE! And ok for the ones that are a little sloowwerrr, I'm going to clarify before you leave this blog thinking "Oh wow, so Cat's leaving Hawaii to go to LA and fuck everyone in sight..." NO! Replace "sex" with meeting NEW and INTERESTING people, NEW PLACES TO GO, THINGS TO DO, enough with the SAME SHIT EVERY WEEK.... YESS! I could care less about the actual sex or potential relationships up there... I just want to meet some new interesting people who are actually fuckin ALIVE!
It's such a great feeling. It's a mix between hope, excitement and giddiness all rolled into one. It almost feels unreal cause it's been so long since anythings really excited me or interested me at all. Once I actually get there (in less than a week and a half!) I'll FINALLY start feeling like myself again! YAY!!!!
Gosh, I'm so excited!! I think it finally hit me that I'm REALLY moving! For good! And I'm more than likely never coming back! Ahhh! I can feel it.... like the LIFE in me is slowly creeping back..! For TOO LONG I've been hibernating... I've only been like 10% of the highly energized, high spirited, enthusiastic, AMBITIOUS person that I really am... As much as I love it, Hawaii is really the crab bucket. There's NO WHERE TO GO and everyone wants to keep you down with them.. Well... I'm finally OUT!
I really don't know why it's taken so long. I guess it's just I was so comfortable and taking the first step is always the hardest. Also, before I had no real REASON to move and it's always hard to start over... but I forgot how EXCITING and FUN it can be! How can I explain to someone who doesn't know what this really feels like for me..???
Okay, this might be a weird example but it was like a guy who's been in a long relationship and little by little he got less and less sex and little by little he lost his sex drive until he was just.... suppressed. Like, he knows he's supposed to have sex and want it as well, right? He remembers having it before and knows it feels DAMN GOOD but it's just been so long he kinda forgot just HOW good it was and has just slowly unwillingly accepted this unfulfilling reality cause there really wasn't much other choices around and he was comfortable with his chick so just never did anything about it.
Well, NO MORE! One day that guy woke up and thought, "geez, what the fuck am I doing?? I need to break up with this bitch and get out there, I'm wasting the prime of my life doing JACK SHIT!!" and he finally goes out and at first it feels kinda awkward at first cause he hasn't been in the game for a while... but aHA! he gets his first fuck in a long time and AH! It's like the first hit for a crack addict and from there he just takes off and fucks everything in sight and feels like he's a teenager again. Life is great!!
Guys, do you know what I'm talking about? I'm not talking to the guys who don't get laid in the first place of course cause... well, obviously you WOULDN'T know but to the ones that do... ISN'T IT THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
So, metaphorically speaking, I GOT MY SEX DRIVE BACK!! CHEEEEHEEE! And ok for the ones that are a little sloowwerrr, I'm going to clarify before you leave this blog thinking "Oh wow, so Cat's leaving Hawaii to go to LA and fuck everyone in sight..." NO! Replace "sex" with meeting NEW and INTERESTING people, NEW PLACES TO GO, THINGS TO DO, enough with the SAME SHIT EVERY WEEK.... YESS! I could care less about the actual sex or potential relationships up there... I just want to meet some new interesting people who are actually fuckin ALIVE!
It's such a great feeling. It's a mix between hope, excitement and giddiness all rolled into one. It almost feels unreal cause it's been so long since anythings really excited me or interested me at all. Once I actually get there (in less than a week and a half!) I'll FINALLY start feeling like myself again! YAY!!!!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Ex's and Intellectual Whores
Some random blog entry I found while browsing google:
Nothing good can ever come from hanging around with an ex. Ever. Good sex maybe, but that's kind of like doing a line of cocaine after you've quit. Sure it feels good and is a lot of fun, but sooner or later you realized why you don't do it anymore and stay the Hell away. Perhaps you can gain a good friend to have for the rest of your life, but more often than not what you have gained is a friend who will secretly be jealous and angry anytime you bring around anyone new you are trying to date.
Hahaha! Hilarious... and true!
LOL here's another one.. from intellectual whores.com I had no idea there were such funny sites online!
In 1978 the great Woody Allen published a book called Getting Even. In it was a story called "The Whore of Mensa." It was about men who were dating beautiful but stupid women, and had to hire whores to talk to them about intellectual topics. Although the term is not used in the story, I've always thought of that as an "intellectual whore." So this planted the seed of the term.
Later in life I started encountering a certain breed of woman. To begin with they never wanted to sleep with me. Now, this by itself is okay--not all women will want to sleep with me. However, this particular breed wanted to have me around to talk to and to make them laugh, because I was so "entertaining" and "funny." Some of them went so far as to describe our relationship as that of "friends", and a few even had the audacity to talk to me about problems they had with other guys.
Later I realized what had been happening. I was being used for their amusement and entertainment while they were busy fucking outlaw bikers. Of course they weren't interested in me sexually; they were too busy with guys with forearm tattoos. But apparently they still needed some intellectual stimulation. That's when they would call me with an opening line like "Tell me something interesting." or some other not-to-subtle line. I recalled the term intellectual whore and applied it to this situation. These women had made me into their intellectual whore. Since then I have dedicated a large part of my life to avoiding this trap, and the various bitches that try to put you in it.
In short, it does not refer to a "smart slut" as it were, but rather to males who are kept around by women for their mental entertainment. These men usually want to sleep with these women who usually consider these men friends.
hahaha! I think I'm guilty of being one of these girls seeking intellectual whores. Too bad there's not many in Hawaii! Can't wait to get to LA.... hahaha
Nothing good can ever come from hanging around with an ex. Ever. Good sex maybe, but that's kind of like doing a line of cocaine after you've quit. Sure it feels good and is a lot of fun, but sooner or later you realized why you don't do it anymore and stay the Hell away. Perhaps you can gain a good friend to have for the rest of your life, but more often than not what you have gained is a friend who will secretly be jealous and angry anytime you bring around anyone new you are trying to date.
Hahaha! Hilarious... and true!
LOL here's another one.. from intellectual whores.com I had no idea there were such funny sites online!
In 1978 the great Woody Allen published a book called Getting Even. In it was a story called "The Whore of Mensa." It was about men who were dating beautiful but stupid women, and had to hire whores to talk to them about intellectual topics. Although the term is not used in the story, I've always thought of that as an "intellectual whore." So this planted the seed of the term.
Later in life I started encountering a certain breed of woman. To begin with they never wanted to sleep with me. Now, this by itself is okay--not all women will want to sleep with me. However, this particular breed wanted to have me around to talk to and to make them laugh, because I was so "entertaining" and "funny." Some of them went so far as to describe our relationship as that of "friends", and a few even had the audacity to talk to me about problems they had with other guys.
Later I realized what had been happening. I was being used for their amusement and entertainment while they were busy fucking outlaw bikers. Of course they weren't interested in me sexually; they were too busy with guys with forearm tattoos. But apparently they still needed some intellectual stimulation. That's when they would call me with an opening line like "Tell me something interesting." or some other not-to-subtle line. I recalled the term intellectual whore and applied it to this situation. These women had made me into their intellectual whore. Since then I have dedicated a large part of my life to avoiding this trap, and the various bitches that try to put you in it.
In short, it does not refer to a "smart slut" as it were, but rather to males who are kept around by women for their mental entertainment. These men usually want to sleep with these women who usually consider these men friends.
hahaha! I think I'm guilty of being one of these girls seeking intellectual whores. Too bad there's not many in Hawaii! Can't wait to get to LA.... hahaha
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Comfort's the Devil
So I'm about to willingly throw myself completely out of my comfort zone and move the hell out of Hawaii for good! In a way, I'm kind of scared cause I know once I do this there's really no turning back and life will never be the same. But really, there's not much to worry about cause things can only get better by moving... it's just hard to leave your life when nothings really wrong, you get everything you want or need and nothings out of order... unless you want to be ubersuccessful that is. In fact... not all that long ago I was LOVING my life!... until I realized that was as good as it was going to get on this little ol' rock.
Comforts really the devil though isn't it... you get comfortable with what you have, where you are, what you do, who your with.... so you never change it! But without change things can neither get better nor worse.... and those who aren't willing to take the chance to make things better will be stuck where they are.... and in my case, where I'm at is not very self fulfilling which therefore, makes me unhappy. Or bored, unsatisfied, low energied... whatever you wanna call it.
The hardest part is leaving behind my awesome friends and family... people you've shared experiences with, who you've bonded with, who "know" you and not only understand but accept you. But if I really think about it, people aren't (usually) born with great friends. They're found. One by one. By sorting through all the, shall we say, junk. And boy, did it take a great deal of sorting to find the ones i already have... but if i did it once (or rather several times) I can do it again right? Besides, it's not like I'll never see or talk to them again... luckily I make the best of friends with people who have the luxury of traveling often! :]
As for family... or "my mom" I don't spend much time with them anyway.. I'd like to.. but don't. Probably because I know they'll always be there whenever I need them. So moving will probably make me appreciate what I have in terms of support from my mom. I'll miss her dearly... but in reality I really won't be seeing her any less than I do now! It'll just put higher value on the times that I WILL get to see her so maybe it works out better.
Guess I am a prepared as I can be for this move... Normally, being the quick decision-ed person I am.. I would have moved a couple days after I thought about it and rationalized the goods and bads and dealt with the problems as they come AFTER I move. I miss being 100% uninhibited, free spirited and unrestrained. But this time since I'm in school it wasn't so easy. But it's good. I've had a good.. 2 or 3 months to really think everything through and plan it out.
Actually, the idea first came to me in Vegas (what was that? Jan or Feb?). I was talking to Jimmy and he was mentioning how great the college was. And it got me thinking and after I hung up the phone I mentioned to my friends that "Hey I think I'm going to move to LA for school"... Hahaha.. I don't think anyone really took me completely seriously but neither did they doubt that I could or would. :] comes with the territory of being spontaneous, I guess.
Oh well. I got a little less than 3 weeks before this chapter of my life officially closes. Guess I really gotta live everyday like it's the last! =]
Comforts really the devil though isn't it... you get comfortable with what you have, where you are, what you do, who your with.... so you never change it! But without change things can neither get better nor worse.... and those who aren't willing to take the chance to make things better will be stuck where they are.... and in my case, where I'm at is not very self fulfilling which therefore, makes me unhappy. Or bored, unsatisfied, low energied... whatever you wanna call it.
The hardest part is leaving behind my awesome friends and family... people you've shared experiences with, who you've bonded with, who "know" you and not only understand but accept you. But if I really think about it, people aren't (usually) born with great friends. They're found. One by one. By sorting through all the, shall we say, junk. And boy, did it take a great deal of sorting to find the ones i already have... but if i did it once (or rather several times) I can do it again right? Besides, it's not like I'll never see or talk to them again... luckily I make the best of friends with people who have the luxury of traveling often! :]
As for family... or "my mom" I don't spend much time with them anyway.. I'd like to.. but don't. Probably because I know they'll always be there whenever I need them. So moving will probably make me appreciate what I have in terms of support from my mom. I'll miss her dearly... but in reality I really won't be seeing her any less than I do now! It'll just put higher value on the times that I WILL get to see her so maybe it works out better.
Guess I am a prepared as I can be for this move... Normally, being the quick decision-ed person I am.. I would have moved a couple days after I thought about it and rationalized the goods and bads and dealt with the problems as they come AFTER I move. I miss being 100% uninhibited, free spirited and unrestrained. But this time since I'm in school it wasn't so easy. But it's good. I've had a good.. 2 or 3 months to really think everything through and plan it out.
Actually, the idea first came to me in Vegas (what was that? Jan or Feb?). I was talking to Jimmy and he was mentioning how great the college was. And it got me thinking and after I hung up the phone I mentioned to my friends that "Hey I think I'm going to move to LA for school"... Hahaha.. I don't think anyone really took me completely seriously but neither did they doubt that I could or would. :] comes with the territory of being spontaneous, I guess.
Oh well. I got a little less than 3 weeks before this chapter of my life officially closes. Guess I really gotta live everyday like it's the last! =]
Monday, April 21, 2008
Credit Cards
When I was younger I would keep all of my gift cards because I wanted to fill out the slots in my wallet... you know the ones that now hold your id's & credit cards etc?
I miss the days when I'd scramble to try to fill in the slots the wallet. Now, I have to pick and choose what cards I wanna take with me... and every month I get more and more credit card offers!
I currently have 3 credit cards. I don't know why but Capital One sent me two cards. One has a 17% annual interest rate, the newest one has 6% and a higher cash advance amount but they still have the same credit line. What am I supposed to do with the other one???
I don't know why people say having credit cards makes you spend more. The thought of having bills send to me at the end of the month makes me spent MUCH less! I don't like buying things I can't afford and I definitely don't like being in debt. I just got credit cards this year and I'm so used to just paying cash for everything. Buying something and never thinking about it again... with credit cards, u buy something and u keep getting reminded about it for months! Sheesh. Talk about buyers remorse.
I charged all of my expenses on my cards for one month to start building credit... and couple weeks ago just paid everything off cause I got tired of being constantly reminded of all the crap I waste money on again and again.... and again! Plus, I don't understand why I'm paying interest for stuff I can afford... just to build credit that I don't need cause I don't buy shit I can't afford in full anyway. Ergh! Blah.. credit card companies are evil.
I miss the days when I'd scramble to try to fill in the slots the wallet. Now, I have to pick and choose what cards I wanna take with me... and every month I get more and more credit card offers!
I currently have 3 credit cards. I don't know why but Capital One sent me two cards. One has a 17% annual interest rate, the newest one has 6% and a higher cash advance amount but they still have the same credit line. What am I supposed to do with the other one???
I don't know why people say having credit cards makes you spend more. The thought of having bills send to me at the end of the month makes me spent MUCH less! I don't like buying things I can't afford and I definitely don't like being in debt. I just got credit cards this year and I'm so used to just paying cash for everything. Buying something and never thinking about it again... with credit cards, u buy something and u keep getting reminded about it for months! Sheesh. Talk about buyers remorse.
I charged all of my expenses on my cards for one month to start building credit... and couple weeks ago just paid everything off cause I got tired of being constantly reminded of all the crap I waste money on again and again.... and again! Plus, I don't understand why I'm paying interest for stuff I can afford... just to build credit that I don't need cause I don't buy shit I can't afford in full anyway. Ergh! Blah.. credit card companies are evil.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
So Busy
I feel like fuckin super woman.... I'm going to school full time, working full time, I have my part time business (ok I'm kind of slacking in this department but i need to get on it) AND I party til 5oclock or so 6 days a week... holy shit. Where did my bum lifestyle go...
On top of that, beginning March or April I'm going to be picking up a REAL job working part time for my friend... and I also work a couple days a week at Upstairs now... and some other guy wants me to deal (cards) for him... but idk about that one, it's too far and the guy is too pushy.
Oh yeah.. I've also been doing everything above while sick this past week haha. I'm gonna try to take it easy for the next couple of days. .my cough is getting kind of bad. It only happens right when I wake up and before I go to bed though.... everybody is sick :(
I didn't realize how much fucking homework I have for accounting. The funny thing is, theres about 20 pages of homework questions that I printed out and must answer... so that'll take up a couple hours of my time tomorrow... yet homework counts for exactly 0% of our grade!! I have a quiz on Monday too. :( For the next chapters, I'll remember that I should print out the questions first before reading the long ass chapters.
Next week sometime I'm going to file taxes for like, the first time ever... so hopefully it'll help me get the Lexus IS we're looking at... the pearl white IS is beeaaauuutttiiffulll!!! I WANT! Gotta pass my license first though on the 5th haha.
I also gotta go get my hair dyed by Alan cause it's getting too light.... and Jess is coming to town soon and she's staying with me... which means more days of none stop partying haha.
I've also started dating again. Sort of. Idk... I think I'm turning lesbian or something because I used to go to multiple dinners and lunches and stuff with guys every day and now I just think everyone's so god damn boring and I don't want to sit there feel like I'm entertaining both of us. I'd rather hang out with my girls... hahah. It also makes me nervous cause it feels too freakin personal to hang out with a guy one on one. They always want something more when I'm neither looking for a boyfriend nor am I looking to fuck anyone... haha. Where do I find more guys like Mr. Chicken Legs, my (other) non sexual not boyfriend and my part part part part time boyfriend of 3 years? haha.
Went on a date today that was... pretty horrible! The guy is super nice and he made plans for us last week to watch a play and I guess he somehow didn't realize the play was for kids. Either that or he misunderstood me when I said my age and thought I said 10, not almost 20.. It was some silly skit with 3 actors about Maui the island fishing guy and Hercules. The last 5 minutes was some rhyme about how you should eat your fruits and veggies everyday. HAHAHHA oh my fucking god. I didn't give him too much shit about it cause he realized it himself hahah. Can't believe I had to wake up for that crap..... It wasn't exactly Broadway or Vegas like I'm used to. but anyway afterwards we met up with half of the lovebirds and drank some tea... than with both the lovebirds and the brat to the Chinese New Year festival. That was fun :).
Anyway I better go to sleep... Gotta study tomorrow and I'm probably going to get woken up at 12 or 1!
On top of that, beginning March or April I'm going to be picking up a REAL job working part time for my friend... and I also work a couple days a week at Upstairs now... and some other guy wants me to deal (cards) for him... but idk about that one, it's too far and the guy is too pushy.
Oh yeah.. I've also been doing everything above while sick this past week haha. I'm gonna try to take it easy for the next couple of days. .my cough is getting kind of bad. It only happens right when I wake up and before I go to bed though.... everybody is sick :(
I didn't realize how much fucking homework I have for accounting. The funny thing is, theres about 20 pages of homework questions that I printed out and must answer... so that'll take up a couple hours of my time tomorrow... yet homework counts for exactly 0% of our grade!! I have a quiz on Monday too. :( For the next chapters, I'll remember that I should print out the questions first before reading the long ass chapters.
Next week sometime I'm going to file taxes for like, the first time ever... so hopefully it'll help me get the Lexus IS we're looking at... the pearl white IS is beeaaauuutttiiffulll!!! I WANT! Gotta pass my license first though on the 5th haha.
I also gotta go get my hair dyed by Alan cause it's getting too light.... and Jess is coming to town soon and she's staying with me... which means more days of none stop partying haha.
I've also started dating again. Sort of. Idk... I think I'm turning lesbian or something because I used to go to multiple dinners and lunches and stuff with guys every day and now I just think everyone's so god damn boring and I don't want to sit there feel like I'm entertaining both of us. I'd rather hang out with my girls... hahah. It also makes me nervous cause it feels too freakin personal to hang out with a guy one on one. They always want something more when I'm neither looking for a boyfriend nor am I looking to fuck anyone... haha. Where do I find more guys like Mr. Chicken Legs, my (other) non sexual not boyfriend and my part part part part time boyfriend of 3 years? haha.
Went on a date today that was... pretty horrible! The guy is super nice and he made plans for us last week to watch a play and I guess he somehow didn't realize the play was for kids. Either that or he misunderstood me when I said my age and thought I said 10, not almost 20.. It was some silly skit with 3 actors about Maui the island fishing guy and Hercules. The last 5 minutes was some rhyme about how you should eat your fruits and veggies everyday. HAHAHHA oh my fucking god. I didn't give him too much shit about it cause he realized it himself hahah. Can't believe I had to wake up for that crap..... It wasn't exactly Broadway or Vegas like I'm used to. but anyway afterwards we met up with half of the lovebirds and drank some tea... than with both the lovebirds and the brat to the Chinese New Year festival. That was fun :).
Anyway I better go to sleep... Gotta study tomorrow and I'm probably going to get woken up at 12 or 1!
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