Just Sorting Thoughts

I used to think I had my whole life figured out. I thought I knew everything there was to know about myself. What I liked, what I didn't like, and who I wanted to be... but I am realizing that I really don't know that much about myself.. well, myself at the moment, but not much about my 'future' self. I've always wanted to do business since I was a kid. My chosen major in college would have been business, without a doubt. But 'Business' is such a broad term... I guess as a kid, we associate certain words with our own imagery of it and don't realize how much there really is to it.

Lawyer: sit in a court room all and day argue
Doctor: help sick people
Psychiatrist: talk to people and help them with their problems
Business person: Make important phone calls, buy and sell stuff and make alot of money

Come to find later... 'I want to be a Lawyer/Doctor/CPA/Vet/Fireman, etc' is not so easy. For 2 of the most sought after professions...

Lawyer: There is a TON of a paperwork to do before a case will even get to court (if ever). And before you even get to any 'real' paperwork as a lawyer, you have to go to school. Go through 4 years of school then another 3... pass LSATS and if you want to do, prepare for an insane amount of reading throughout law school, then when you finally pass your law exam and officially become a 'lawyer' you mostly sit around reading pages and pages of official documents looking for hours to catch a single word that is incorrect while you wait around and send those corrections back and forth before you ever do anything 'fun' like going to court and fighting for a guy who you know is guilty... but not before reading MORE about the topic of your case, hoping to find a loophole.

Doctors: Go through even MORE school and spend their days dealing with grumpy/crazy sick people all day long and catch every cold going around, every year.


I have been searching and questioning my choice in business for a while (or just exploring my options before it's too late) and lucky for me, my crazy years did help me cross paths with awesome individuals whom I get a lot of advice and insight on on their various specialties. Almost every single lawyer or doctor I know recommends - quite adamantly - NOT to get into their line of work. Though, their suggestions may be based according to my outgoing personality and not for everyone. There are a few lawyers and doctors out there who truly like helping people, but as one said 'There are other ways to help people'. So... I guess after alot of question asking and wondering what daily life is like for _______, I can once again be comfortable with my original choice of business. For a while, I was considering Law because - like my exboyfriend likes to point out - I am really good at arguing.... but the thought of sitting around doing tons of boring reading all day long (the part you don't realize before college of what being a 'lawyer' really is) really turns me off and is definitely not suited for my personality. I like to help people but being a doctor is not for me... the thought of poking someone with a needle or dealing with flesh and blood is horrifying to me. (Yesterday, I had to take dk to the ER and just WATCHING him get poked by needles and getting spinal fluid removed made me uneasy) so I will break my family line of doctors and pursue something else.. I seriously considered becoming a psychiatrist but after talking to one of my most beloved doctors, his suggestion being: 'You don't want to be around losers all day... well I shouldn't say losers... but you don't want to be around those kind of people all day' he is right, though I like to help people psychoanalyze themselves, doing it because i HAVE to really is not appealing either. Nor do I want to spend the next 4-8 years of my life studying biological terms and learning the name of every uh, micro organ.

So I am left once again, with business. However... there are SO many different things you can do with business and I realize I really don't know EXACTLY what I want to do. I love buying and selling for a profit... I love dealing with people for sales... and I like creating an image and marketing and advertising. I'd love to have my own big business... but in what field? I now know that 'I want to do Business' is not a complete sentence and therefore, I do not know everything about what 'I want'. I figured out the first part since I was born... but now I am seeking to fill the blanks to the more specific part 'I want to do Business doing ____________'. I like to be very thoughal when doing research on... anything I'm interested really but given such a broad category, this makes it hard. 'Business' ranges anywhere from a salesman trying to push his product and find new customers to make a small profit to a CEO of a fortune 500 company to the owner of a ma and pa grocery store to the marketing geniuses behind Disney to the advertising trend setters in New York to some stay at home mom doing e-commerce to.... SO many things... how will I ever come across EVERYTHING before finally settling with one?

When we did our research for teeth whitening or when I look to make an expensive purchase to when I pick a new boyfriend... I like to know ALL my options and educate myself before coming to a conclusion.. this seems like an impossible but important task in deciding one of the most important decisions of my life: 'What am I going to do with my life?'.

I know that life can't be planned out before it happens but I guess I just like to KNOW something... anything.. Sure, the unexpected makes things fun and knowing everything would be boring.... but... I guess basically what I'm saying is that, like how I am with other things, I like to know the task at hand with enough knowledge and confidence to charge, full steam ahead. Right now, I have so much motivation and drive to get where I want to be but I barely know what direction I am headed. I don't want to know my entire life story... just want to figure out the general idea that will make me feel the most self fulfilled. When I know what I have to get done, I do things fast and accomplish the best and as soon as possible... so it brings me great distress to WANT and KNOW that I much reach this end one day... but yet have no where to begin yet. I am not a jealous person and have never really been envious of anyone up until now... and maybe I still don't, I guess a better word would be that I admire people who 'have got it figured out'. Have got their life figured out... That know what they want to do, are doing it and are happy and content. Not the temporal happiness and figured-outness that even I have experienced... the long lasting peaceful knowing that one can hope will come with age and wisdom. Unfortunately, most people do not have this, have no idea how to obtain it and should they be so lucky to encounter a glimpse of it, have a hard time holding on to it.

It is hard because each person is different. Unlike what they tell you in sales or life tips... you cannot simply 'act as if' or 'fake it til you make it' with this one. You cannot find a mentor and follow and do everything that he says or does himself. Because what may make one content and happy.. will not make you happy. You have to find you're own channel for this and though you can get advice and general theories along the way... Direct your own movie.. Such an important thing yet there is really not much information on how to obtain this for yourself... instead people chase unrealistic dreams of wealthy and beauty and fame in the pursuit of happiness... but one can never have ALL the W/B/F in the world... so these unlimited human wants can never be fully obtained and therefore, when you blindly chase after them, it is like trying to get to the end of a rainbow. You can't have it all and if that is your only wish, you'll never be content and therefore, never happy. Luckily, sometimes, along the way you really DO find true happiness but the path is hidden and you may miss it completely, stumble upon it entirely by accident or eventually find it because you got a little tip that it exists somewhere out there.



I have taken a step in limiting my online usage by deleting my facebook and reducing myspace use, I have never watched much TV and am now even trying to listen to less mainstream music and if anything, more classical. Drama on TV, drama on social networks and crap in music are like 'fillers' for your brain... they just take up space and occupy your brainpower so you are stuck at that level. It really does nothing for you and most of the time spent on them is a waste of time. Media shows you want it wants you to see and you become blinded and don't realize how much there really is out there... what the rest of your 'options' are. Oprah does not even listen to music as she is driving. I am not to that point yet because I still enjoy some non-classical music but I can see how when your brain is bombarded with all this other 'filler-crap' you cannot contemplate your life and find ways to improve it. Actually, I think most people do not WANT to listen to the thoughts in their head and think about their life because they really don't LIKE their life and where they are at.... so they watch more tv and listen to more music and go on myspace to distract them from what is really going on.... and therefor making their life even more stuck and watching more tv. What a cycle... brainless, sad cycle. For me, I don't like to run away from problems, I like to solve them. So... instead of running away from my problems, I have chosen to deal with them and that is why my life has gotten so much better in the last 6 months. I have grown as a person and am no longer 'lost'.... clubbing every day and trying to find something newer and more exciting to do with my time. I am actually content at home and not bored. Though I may not know that exact specific person I am trying to become, I do feel content knowing that I am now, at least in the right general direction and I know I am doing all that I can to eventually obtain it.



On another completely different and not-deep note, it is now the 2nd time someone mentioned to me that my place has bad fung shui and I am becoming more and more convinced that they are right... things have gone good but not great like they usually do... I have incredible luck and usually attract all that I ask for usually but this has not been the case since I moved here... as I told one friend: 'I lost that 'thing''!

On the agenda: muster up as much of that remaining luck that I have left and attract an awesome place with a good location and bigger bathroom conveniently so that my luck will come back and life will be a breeze again ;) I am still not entirely convinced I believe in fung shui and the rest of that voodoo stuff but idk... I do believe in 'the secret'....to a certain extent... because I've been using it even before I read about it on paper/watched the video. Ahh well. Bed time for me :)