Hard Decisions

Everybody has issues and is crazy in their own way. Either that or extremely sheltered uncorrupted and naive.

I was (and maybe still am) considering a degree in psychology.. but I really don't want to spend the rest of my life listening to the crazy problems of others. I think I just want understanding of the logic behind the illogical. I have a hard enough time dealing with one mentally unstable person. I am a extremely logical and rational person and not being able to get someone to see a point -- no matter how valid! -- with logic and reasoning infuriates me. It's easy to tell a bi-polar person to fuck off if you have no emotional ties to them (which I do now... as soon as I figure it out) but when you care for the person, like a mother (would hopefully) care for her son, it makes it hard to just drop them.

Idky. With all other people and things so far in my life, I have no problem completely distancing my emotions with my logic. Ruthless is not the right word because if I were ruthless, I would not be bothering with this shit now. However, I have been told (or rather asked) how I can completely forget about someone who has done me wrong in an instant and never think or miss them again. The key in that sentence was the "done me wrong" part.. Maybe it's karma cause this one person has done me wrong in so many ways and so many times that I cannot even recall half the things he did yet I still have a hard time cutting him from my thoughts and my life.

I don't understand it, I've seen this one particular person do Wonderful things that most people would never think of doing.... extremely good, selfless acts... and then a week later do something extremely, extremely bad! It confuses me. I like good people... and I think the older I get the more I believe that most people... are bad.. which is sad.

All of my better judgement tells me to cut him off as no good can come of it.. yet again and again I don't listen to myself which is against my character. I ALWAYS stick with what I decide.

Another part of me wants to help him... it's like a little helpless kid who's crying for help. But that same "helpless kid" has done the cruelest things to me anyone has ever done and expect me to love and forgive him afterwards every time. My threats to forgo my friendship fall upon empty ears. He doesn't believe me anymore cause each time, I have proven to give another chance! I always speak of the one day when I really WILL leave and that day still hasn't come no matter how much I mean it when the words escape my mouth.

LOL.. I don't know why I'm posting this up. I guess I'm just confused. The one thing in my life I seem not to have control over. hah. If I keep dealing with this, I'M the one who's going to need to see a therapist, not him!




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Email I sent earlier:

Please understand. It's very hard for me. I love you very much otherwise I would have cut all ties by now. It's hard to have someone tell you your the source of all their problems one day, then the next day want love and affection. I had forgotten about your outbreaks, you were doing good for a while. Please get on your medication again and see a doctor. I want to see you get better and I'm afraid if we continue in this pattern I truly cannot handle it much longer. I have the stresses of my own life now and life is not as easy and dandy as it once was. Your ups and downs affect me too and I cannot afford to have a down affect my own emotional well being, school and my future. I love you so much and I believe you can keep your disease under control, but it will take commitment. Please, baby, get well for yourself, your own future, as well as for me. I've grown up enough to accept that fact that people come in and out of life and some stay and most don't. Only time can tell if you and I are meant to be together or in each others lives... but most importantly for you is to get yourself under control for your future relationship with me and with other people. I may or may not be around for the rest of your life... but unless you do something about it, your disease will be. You have a blessed life and a wonderful family that loves you.. Please see the new doctor asap.


Much love,
Cathy









The funny thing about all this is I believe the human will can overcome anything. You CAN change anything you want about yourself.. but the problem in most people is that they don't WANT to really change. They make excuses, they justify.. justify, justify, justify. Or they don't believe that they can really do something about it. "It" being whatever it is about themselves they don't like. Physically, maybe not... but everything else? Sure! Everything is what you make of it. they come up with "mental disorders"... but idk. is it all just bullshit? I've consciously made huge changes in my behavior and attitudes... each time I've become aware of a problem and focused on changing, I've done it so I know from experience you can alter things. But maybe not everyone is as strong willed as I am... but they could be, if they WANT it, right? And stop making excuses and take account and responsibility for their own actions? Can you reaaaalllly not be able to help your own actions cause of a "chemical imbalance"?? There has to be something deeply rooted in ones self that cause this behavior and the lack of wanting to accept and change.... no? So I give some people the benefit of the doubt... that some people who are ill, really ARE ill and really can't help it... but honestly? I think the rest of them are just bullshitters and are just acting. Maybe from lack of attention or maybe it's easier to act ill than it is to change....who knows what..

Idk. It's too late. I need to sleep.