Oops. For some reason I thought it was a "ganky ass" strip club on Sunset but I guess that was another (less interesting) night. So anyway, continuing the other discussion. My plan was to lay low for 3 years and be a complete dork and concentrate on school. Holy f-- s-- it's not working. I wanted to hole up, clear my head for a while and spend some time with myself. I was doing a decent job for the last year but alas... "I am who I am, can't escape it AAHAHAHAHAHAHA" sums it up pretty well.
It's funny how in life, you have choices - at least that's what I believe. I don't believe everything is predetermined. I believe your life outcome is a direct result of the choices you make. Right now, I've got a great transcript. I can transfer to any school I want. 6 months ago, it was my plan to go to a top university but now I'm having second thoughts. Do I really want to go to a top school, overwork, overpay and stress myself out for the next 2 years? Or should I just go to a more than decent school, continue to enjoy learning and have a life while I'm doing it. I guess it shouldn't matter. I don't believe this degree I am in pursuit of is going to be the defining decider of whether or not I'll become successful in life. No way. I'm going to be successful no matter what route I choose to take. It's just a matter of making smart decisions. ;). It's hard to believe I went back to school for fun.
A big part of my dwindling motivation is that school has been getting easier and easier. As my mental muscles get exercised, my old academic abilities have grown stronger and stronger. I haven't been studying much at all, just cramming a day or two before the tests and still getting high A's on my exams. Sounds great but it's terrible. I know myself too well. I need to be challenged or I get bored. I've been like this my entire life, as soon as I get good - usually the best - at something, I lose interest and move on to something else. Whether it be academics, sports or work. Thank God I'll be transferring soon so we can kick it up a notch and make me feel like I'm doing something new and exciting again. If it continues on like this, I will start to be more careless and not care how I do on exams knowing that "if I wanted to be good at it, I could". For me, it's not really about proving to others that I can do something, I do things and push myself because I want to know.
The younger me would have quit at this point, knowing I could do it if I wanted to and move on to bigger, badder, (funner) things - like I did when I was 16 at HPU. Too much cockiness and not enough discipline. Long story short, 4 years later, I went back to school just for fun, found that I was no longer as good at school as I used to be, got down on myself, got sad, got mad and then got motivated because I refuse to be a failure at something I want to be good at. Dropped everything, moved away and went back to school full time. Thus, I've given up so much to go back to school and put in so much time and effort into it that I must see myself through it otherwise regardless of how great I can score on tests, I'm stupid.
I guess, if all else fails, I can be a hairdresser.
Creating Jason Mayhem Miller's "strip of doom". Yeah, I also created a big mess while creating this strip of doom so maybe I wouldn't be the best hairdresser ever.. Good thing it's not really one of my top "things to be good at" or I'd have to quit what I'm doing and go to beauty school to prove myself to myself. =P Jason is, by the way, one of my many new social distractions from utmost concentration in school. If anyone makes it worth it, it'd be him I guess. haha.
I've got to start writing more. It helps me not think so much throughout the day by helping to sort out my thoughts. 140 character twitter updates aren't nearly as effective. You can still follow me though. ;) http://www.twitter.com/kittycaht
