More Kierkegaard

A man who as a physical being is always turned
toward the outside, thinking that his happiness lies outside him,
finally turns inward and discovers that the source is within him.

Boredom is the root of all evil - the despairing refusal to be oneself.



Funny that I read these quotes before, yet they never caught my eye. Now, they really stick out! I guess I understand it for myself now and have personal experiences that validate and gave them meaning.

I could NOT for the life of me just sit around and do "nothing" before. I had to occupy my time with something (anything, really) to get away from the noise of being by yourself. I'm glad I've made amends with myself because life would be pretty unbearable right now if I were still in the phase. But come to think of it, I wasn't mentally capable of moving in the first place had I not done that first. I wouldn't be able to handle it! I should say "wasn't" able to handle it . The couple of times I tried to move before... guess what happened? I moved back within a couple of months. haha it just wasn't time... I wasn't ready for it. When I finally was ok being by myself, I successfully moved (and it's been almost a year! whew, time passes by quickly). I guess things do happen when the time is right... can't force things.

I have to be honest, it kind of sucked to be back here by myself yesterday. Away from the comforts of home but I know it's good for me. I have to rely on myself again!

I was sad to be back here without my friends and family but it makes me realize how much I value HAVING friends and family. I shut everyone out when I first moved here and I didn't realize it until I had time to step away from it all and reevaluate. Now, I think it's the right time to have friends again (haha). I have to admit (kind of sheepishly) that I was incredibaly mean to everyone here who tried to be my friend haha. I was in the mindset that I would focus on school and school only and anything outside of that would just be an unnecissary distraction. I forgot how much I used to laugh and goof around! (Thank you to D who played a huge part in reminding me of that haha <3)

I guess a part of me needed that time alone and I needed to be a loner to get through my first full semester back (at a much harder college haha) but now I think I'm comfortable enough to continue getting A's in school and also allow myself to start being more like myself again... err my extravert self anyway. I think she was feeling neglected... lol. I didn't even realize how serious I was being until, like I said, I got away and also my mom mentioned to me that my cousin told her that I'm "so serious"! I was shocked to hear that.. "Me?? Serious?? hahahh what is she talking about? I'm so silly all the time!" lol but I guess she is right... I was being uber serious.. I forgot cause I have having so much fun in Hawaii. Needed to lighten up. This is my reminder to myself that it is okay to enjoy myself AND work/study hard at the same time =). Not that I wasn't happy, I was very content.. just wasn't having any "fun" at all. Fun, once in a while, is okay. More than okay, I think for me it's kind of necessary. I was getting kinda bitter and bitchy... hahaha aka "serious" :)

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I'm reading Tuesdays with Morrie...

"There is no formula to relationships. They have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what they want and what they need, what they can do and what their life is like. In business, people negotiate to win. They negotiate to get what they want. Maybe you're too used to that. Love is different. Love is when you are as concerned about someone else's situation as you are about your own."